…And See How That Goes

I’ve always enjoyed Sarah Silverman. She’s equal parts crass, witty, vulnerable, offensive, and intelligent. And if you asked the William, he’d add hot to the list.

I recently ran across this CNNOpinion interview with Sarah, where she discusses fat jokes.



According to Sarah:

"I don't really care for like, fat jokes about women, specifically, because I feel that we live in a society where fat men deserve love, and fat women do not deserve love -- at least in white America. And so I feel like that's an ugly thing, and it doesn't make me laugh."

Silverman’s perspective did two things to me. First, it hit really close to home. I realize that in allowing myself to feel undeserving of love, I contribute to a larger, societal issue. It’s something I feel challenged to fix every day, and it’s affects every relationship I have. Secondly, it reinforced the feeling I have about fat jokes. Don’t get me wrong – I can laugh at fat jokes. It’s not that I’m so sensitive that I can’t see how making fun of fat people is funny. However, it may be that same sensitivity that keeps me from thinking most fat jokes are funny enough to laugh at. To me, they usually seem cheap and unimaginative. It doesn’t require much insight or creativity to point out physical characteristics to others. And for similar reasons, I don’t like jokes about skinny people.

I hear a lot of overweight women make fun of themselves, in an attempt to be funny. And while I realize that this is likely just a defense mechanism, it really bothers me. Not only does it make others uncomfortable, I’m not sure that it doesn’t just perpetuate thoughts of negative self-worth. Having the ability to make fun of myself is important, but I have to draw the line at calling myself names, or referencing my body using negative terminology and overused stereotypes.

Sarah has gained a few more cool points in my book. Not that she needed any…

The Good Side of Down

Today, I was involved in a mid-day meeting where lunch was served. The choices allowed for some healthy decision making, so I loaded a plate up with veggie wraps and fruit. As I was enjoying my lunch, a women who works with me scrunched up her nose and squinted in the direction of my lunch.

"Ohhhh, look at you! You're being so good!"

My initial reaction was to find a nice spot in the middle of her forehead for which to place the heel of shoe. The fear of termination and/or jail time prevented me from proceeding with that plan, so instead I just stewed about it.

I'm being good, huh? And I suppose being bad would mean that I had chips instead of fruit, and maybe a cookie for dessert. How about two cookies? What if all I ate for lunch was chips and cookies and more chips, followed by a gallon-size swig of Coca-Cola? Would that make me really, really, really bad?

Eating fruit does not make one a good person. Having a cookie does not make one a bad person. Bad people punch little kids in the face. Bad people deface property, kick puppies, make fun of disabled people, or become republicans. Bad people are not bad because they eat cookies. I'm so tired of this constant measure of food's placement on the axis of evil. Pizza? Bad. Quinoa? Good! Pizza and quinoa? Uhhhh...

All of this scalability, this balance of good vs. evil that we all spew does not help. It doesn't. It makes people feel unnecessary shame and guilt. It makes people treat themselves poorly in the name of health. It makes people feel like they can't leave their houses for a meal. And that, really is bad.

I am just as guilty of this good/bad mentality. It's something I think of every day, with every morsel I decide to swallow. But I vow to try my damnedest not to place that on another person. Because no one is bad because of the things they choose to eat. Unless you're a cannibal, and even that's negotiable.

I constantly challenge myself to reshape the way I think when it comes to food. Part of what I have struggled with in regards to disordered eating stems from people in my life telling me that what I was eating was good or bad. Starting with my grandmother and moving all the way to my nutritionist in college, it's ingrained in me to associate feeling poor about myself with what I am eating at that time. And that's no way for anyone to feel - good, bad, or ugly.

The Pandora Affect

Over the past few weeks, I’ve really been delving into some reading and movies discussing the topic of eating disorders. Since disordered eating is something I struggle with daily, I sometimes find myself searching for answers as to the why and how this all started for me. Aside from this, I also have something called PCOS, which is an acronym for a disease that affects my insulin levels, weight fluctuations, and my ability to ovulate. I’ve been researching a lot into the causes behind PCOS. Most theories seem to put PCOS as the cause of all symptoms related to disease, but there are some schools of thought that believe that obesity can actually cause PCOS.

As I delve into my research, I can only find one recurring theme. That all of this talk of insulin resistance, disordered eating, depression, and a litany of other unattractive symptoms just makes me feel badly about myself. And subsequently triggers me to fall back into dangerous habits. And I hate that.

So, I find myself feeling very stuck in all of this. I want to feel better. I want to manage my PCOS so that not every day feels like an uphill battle. I want to normalize my eating so that the prospect of eating out doesn’t incite a tightening in my chest. I want to be able to discover what I can do to better myself without sending myself into a tailspin of anxiety.

How do I find answers without opening up a new set of questions?

Wealthy Successors Have No Regard

Dear People With Whom I Work:

Prosperity and posterity are not words that are interchangeable. They have have vastly different meanings, despite sharing a similar phonetic pronunciation. Using these words in exchange for one another makes you sounds silly, and can sometimes negate other fundamental concepts you are trying to relay.

Additionally, the word "irregardless" has no true meaning. Yes, this "word" has been added to Webster's dictionary, but only because your educators and mother failed you in a horrible way.

Therefore, the next time you choose to use any of these words as described, do not be surprised by my glazed-over expression. I'm just visiting my happy place.

Sincerely,

Your Considerably Underpaid Co-worker

Adjusting

I have been playing with a 2009 review blog for the past week or so, but haven't produced anything that didn't sound somehow whiny and narcissistic at the same time. So, instead I found this survey on another blog, and decided this might be a better way to summarize the past 365 days. Happy New Year!

1.What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Walked into a flooded house. And then moved the bare essentials out in about 45 minutes.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did. I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, because I feel like life doesn't necessarily work in a sort of set goal, meet goal pattern. So I've started to make year-end goals instead of resolving to change myself in some prolific way.

3.Did anyone close to you give birth?
Only if co-workers count.

4.Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully.

5.What countries did you visit?
Canada!

6.What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
A specific vision for my professional future.

7.What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
No dates really stand out. I had some special adventures with my bestie, and some very trying times personally.

8.What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Losing a whole dress size worth of weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nah.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new trench coat, and it was a steal. I get complimented every time I wear it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Hmmm, that's a tough one. I have to say that I am so proud of my parents. Their marriage was tested this year, and they have come out of it pretty strong.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
All of the "celebrity" parents who made seemingly selfish and money-driven decisions instead of thinking of their children. Jon, Kate, Balloon Boy Dad, etc.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, bills, bills. And a travel.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
That William and I started our podcast. It's been a great tool for us to just relax and talk to each other. I also feel like we challenge each other to pursue creative endeavors.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Michael Jackson's This is It.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Hmmm. I would say right now, I am happier overall. But I am much more guarded now than I was at the beginning of 2009.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner!
c) richer or poorer? Ugh.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercising. I often sacrificed Emily Health Time to working.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Working. Whining.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas with my family. The WHOLE family.

21. How many one-night stands?
17. Just kidding. Zero.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office and 30 Rock stand out right now.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No. I am trying to work on some of the negative feelings I still have for people who have wronged me.

24. What was the best book you read?
As cheesy as this sounds, the last Harry Potter book. I saved it as long as could, and finally read it a few months ago.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Adele.

26. What did you want and get?
A Wii! And a white noise machine. I am thankful for family and friends who love me.

27. What did you want and not get?
Inner peace.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
Up In The Air and Julie & Julie were my two standouts.

29. What did you do on your birthday?
I spent it in San Francisco, with the person I love the most.

30.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Professional growth, along with a better paycheck.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Justin Timberlake

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
Healthcare reform.

33. Who did you miss?
My family.

34. Who was the best new person you met?
Although I already knew this person before 2009, I gained a wonderful new mentor in a manager I had last year.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009?
That forgiveness isn't a weakness. And that I can weather a lot more than I thought I could.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"And children don't grow up; our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up."

All-in-all, I am happy to kiss 2009 goodbye. Although I know that life doesn't work in plotted, 365-day spans of time, I feel a certain amount of re-energization with the arrival of 2010.

Cheers.

Justice for Amy

I spent a few days in Michigan last week, and while I was there, decided to peruse my mom's selection of books. She usually lets me invade her collection when I'm home, and was generous enough to let me read her copy of If I Am Missing or Dead: A Sister's Story of Love. I was intrigued by the book, partially because of it's subject matter, and partially because the author grew-up in Michigan.

Janine Latus and her sister, Amy, grew up in a large family. Their father was emotionally and sexually abusive to Janine and her sister, and both of these women grew up to be in abusive relationships. The books is written from the perspective of Janine, and ends in the death of her sister Amy. Amy's story was fairly sensational, garnering attention from national news media. Amy's murderer was sentenced to just under 20 years in prison after pleading guilty to Amy's death.

I'll admit that I am not a professional book critic. I read frequently, but don't feel well equipped to accurately articulate the pros and cons of every book I read. However, after reading If I am Missing or Dead, I felt that I had been deceived.

Firstly, the books title and summary indicate that this book is the story of a woman's death. Not so. Instead the story is mainly based on the trials and tribulations of Amy's sister, Janine. Janine mainly tells Amy's story through a series of reiterated phone call conversations and recollection of family vacations. Only at the final chapters of the book, does Amy's story unfold, and discussed the specifics of her domestic abuse and untimely death.

I finished the story upset with Janine Latus. I didn't think she did justice to her sister's memory. Much of the narrative on Amy described her weight fluctuations, something that seemed to bother Janine more than Amy. Janine also battles her own weight and image demons; allowing her husband to perform daily weigh-ins, and getting breast augmentation at his "gentle" suggestion. The book offered a few discussion questions posed to Janine Latus after she had written the book. I was completely surprised to read that Janine found no connection between she and Amy's body image issues and their abuse. Given the great amount of time Janine spends describing their bodies from youth to adulthood, it was difficult to understand how Janine could not make this connection.

The book purports itself as a red-flag to women, to watch-out for these types of behaviors from the men in our lives. Although Janine Latus eventually leaves her husband, it is after over a decade a marriage; after her children and step-children witness years of verbal and physical abuse. After years of Janine staying in the relationship out of a need to feel needed and wealthy. I found Amy's death to be more of an injustice after seeing it from Janine's perspective. It is too strong to say that Amy's sister capitalized on her death, but I did detect a sort of martyr-ish self-fulfillment in Janine's woeful tale.

It's strange to take an emotional journey of this nature, and come out feeling unresolved. I realize that I am judging a situation from which I have had nary a sip, but I found myself wanting more for Amy Latus. That at least those closest to her could have an insight into how their lives had unraveled.

It's too late
She's gone too far
She's lost the sun
She's come undone

She didn't know what she was headed for
And when I found what she was headed for
It was too late
She's come undone
She found a mountain that was far too high
And when she found out she couldn't fly Mama, it was too late

Eventual Clarity

Tonight, I ran into an old friend of mine from the first year I lived in Nashville. Whenever I run into someone I haven't seen in awhile, I kind of clench up. Immediately, I run a mental assessment to determine if I was thinner or heavier the last time I saw the person. I then wait for the inevitable head-to-toe scan, followed by a possible question regarding how much weight I've lost.

But tonight was different, Hannah just looked me right in the eye and told me I looked well. This was especially remarkable given the fact that the last time Hannah saw me, I was sizes smaller. Of course, I was subsisting on a diet of black coffee and Special K cereal, but I digress. We decided to meet later in the evening for drinks, as Hannah happened to already have plans with a few acquaintances from our college days. For the next three hours, I hemmed and hawed on whether or not I would show up. Reunions are not necessarily my forte, unless I know the guest list and all possible escape routes ahead of time. But I went. Reluctantly.

I could run through the events and conversation of the evening, but ultimately, here is what I came away with after spending a couple hours with old friends.

1. No one is paying as close attention to my weight fluctuations as I am. And if they are, they are brilliant, Oscar-worthy actors.
2. Sometimes being in a serious relationship hinders one's ability to socialize effectively. I was engaged for a portion of my first year in Nashville, and I spent a lot of time holed-up in my apartment, gushing to my then-fiancee. I missed out on meeting some really genuine and warm people.
3. I allow myself to hide behind the issues I have with my weight. I convince myself that people aren't going to like me because of the way I look. Although this often keeps me from being hurt, it more frequently prevents me from getting to know really amazing people.
4. Every evening should end with an ale.

All of this is to say that I hate how much life I've missed out on, staying wrapped in this little cocoon I've created for myself. I haven't the faintest clue how to get out of it, but I'm willing to try. So even if this resolve only lasts for the next day, I find some hope in the fact that I am recognizing these parts of myself. Isn't acceptance the first step?

I wish that, I knew what I know now
When I was younger...