Dracula Moon

I'm starting to wonder if there are any genuinely good people left. I know this sounds very dramatic and dare I say, whiny, but I'm starting to lose hope. Perhaps it's just that everyone (like myself) is riddled with insecurity and self-doubt. But where I internalize and just abuse myself, other people project their stuff on to the people around them. Or maybe everybody just gets beat up all day long; by their kids, their spouses, their ex-spouses, their coworkers, and food service employees. And maybe they gather all that up and exploit the one shred of power they have over someone else.

Or maybe I just need to get over it.

I turned 27 a couple weeks ago, and I've been crafting a to-do list of things I want to accomplish before I turn 30. I realize that 30 is three whole years away, but since I barely noticed the past 27 years I figure it's time to get crackin'. Sadly, I have decided to omit my goal of learning to skateboard. I realized that I don't really want to learn how to skateboard. I just want to be automatically good at skateboarding. I don't want to go through that fall-all-the-time-as-you're-learning phase. So here it is, in no particular order.

1. Learn Spanish.
2. Learn how to operate a sewing machine and successfully sew things for myself.
3. Start reading books about world history.
4. Travel to Italy.
5. Travel to France.
6. Travel to Greece.
7. Learn how to make a cheesecake.
8. Lose enough weight so that I can go down two full dress sizes.
9. Buy a couch.

I think I'm going to start by learning Spanish. My friends got me a bookstore gift card for my birthday, and I'm going to put it to good use.

Don't worry mother, it'll be alright
And don't worry sister
Say your prayers, and sleep tight
And it'll be fine, lover of mine
It'll be just fine

I Know Where It's Not

Got back from vacation yesterday. Wish I was not back from vacation. Wish vacation never had to end.

So I've been sad for the past 24 hours. Crying and pacing. Attempted to read/watch movies/talk to friends to no avail. Took a bath. More pacing, or maybe just more roaming aimlessly from room to room. Finally went to grocery despite having no appetite.

I really want to talk about the great times I had last week, and I will very soon. Right now, I'm just a little raw and emotional to give a rundown. So instead of dwelling on that, I've decided that I need to remind myself of all the people in my life who I'm grateful for. I haven't done this in awhile, and it seems more productive than reminding myself how much I miss something I just can't have right now.

1. William. For being my best friend and the greatest travel buddy a girl could ask for.
2. Bigs and Beeler. For serenading me with what was quite possibly the greatest rendition of the 'Happy Birthday' song.
3. Mom. For being there, always.
4. Chris. For reminding me that I deserve better than I allow myself to believe I deserve.
5. Andrew. For smart-ass birthday cards that never cease to crack me up.
6. Ryan. For being the most angelic and precious little boy I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I can't wait to see the person you grow up to be.

Lumina
Come and wrap around me
Lumina
Take me through the snow

Eve took a fruit, Eve picked a fruit
Juice ran down her chin
Babies will put things in their mouths
Never heard of sin

Lumina
Open like the sea
Lumina
Sing me in the dark

Eve had to ask, Eve had to ask
What is wrong with this
Here is the place, now is the time
Let's invent the kiss

What it all comes down to

I purged last weekend, but not in a bad way. I was doing some spring cleaning, and reorganizing my bookshelves to accommodate a bunch of new reading material I've purchased over the past six months. And while not alarming in number, I did notice that I have quite a few books on diets. And by diets, I mean fairly restrictive eating and exercise plans that are nearly impossible to maintain over a lifetime. I was struck with the realization that this may be one of those 'garbage in, garbage out' kind of things. Those books peer out from their shelves at anyone who uses my living room. Perhaps it is not the healthiest thing to have all of my past fails at diet attempts staring me in the eye when I'm trying to relax.

I contemplated boxing up the books and donating them to the library. But then it struck me that perhaps this may just perpetuate the problem. Maybe I'm just adding proverbial fuel to the proverbial fire by passing along material that is essentially weight loss propaganda. So, instead I took my box of books to my local recycling center. I was thrilled to see that my books could be recycled into something that may actually benefit my fellow citizens.

I'm still in this really weird restless, kind of mopey and contemplative place. I'm hoping my vacation next week will help me relax and clear my mind.

There's really no hope for me
And that three second rule
Somethin gets dropped
And still I'm the slowest damn fool
Slow to realize what's really going on
Slow to know in a moment
Who or what has gone wrong

I wanna tighten down on the lag time

Your consonants were buzzing
Around your head like flies
Your true colors were showing
And your shape and your size
You were drinking your way though it
I was shrinking right there inside of my clothes
My eventual twenty/twenty
Arms crossed
Tapping her toe

Girl, Corrupted

I've had a really tough month, so I am incredibly grateful that April is just a couple hours away. Not that flipping a page in my calendar is going to solve everything, but I'm hoping I will get some inspiration from my upcoming vacation.

My last session with Dr. Gray left me feeling deflated and defeated. I think it's safe to say that I've made a lot of progress in the last year. The problem is that I keep hitting this cement wall every few months and there just doesn't seem to be some tangible way to push past it.

I love to dance. I danced for 11 years, and even now, over a decade after I've left it behind, I still can't find a high that compares to dancing. I've been taking a hip-hop class once a week for the past few months, and for that hour every week I leave feeling like I can take on the world. Yet somehow, there is still that resonating voice that tells me I don't deserve to feel good and like dance. I don't deserve other pleasures because I'm not good enough. And I'm not good enough because I'm not thin enough.

See, the problem is that I'm fighting a voice that is almost as old as I am. A voice that has a lot of back story on me. A voice that knows every weakness and guilt and sorrow I've ever felt. And most of all, a voice that is vengeful and vindictive. Of what, I don't know.

I know that I don't want to stop fighting that voice. And I know that I need to convince myself that I do deserve to have a hobby that is fulfilling, relationships where I feel loved, and a career that is rewarding. I want to be able to hold on to what I have right now, even if it's not what I want to be right now. I'm tired of holding my breath and waiting for my life to be different.

This is probably the point where I should make some self-proclamation and declare that I'm going to take a course action. But I'm not, because I don't know what that looks or feels or acts like. What I do know is that I'm not ready to quit fighting. I know it's going to be sad and angry and probably lonely, but I can't keep falling down because of a shame I don't deserve to feel.

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way'
Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters, if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention-to-details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him
Say it ten thousand times
If only I had been listening