Hanging on this Wire

I’m not really sure where I am right now. I’ve been binging and purging pretty much daily, and I’m completely exhausted from it. I’m completely amazed at the 180 I’ve done since last month. Every night I go to bed with every intention of getting up early to workout. I feel disgusting – fat, tired, moody, and sore. It still blows my mind how much purging affects my body. When I was younger, it didn’t used to take such a toll on me – I could still find energy to work and purge and even workout. Now I’m sleeping late and passing out on the couch before 8PM. But for as bad as I feel, I can’t seem to kick this little phase. The good news is that I have a session with Dr. Gray tonight, so hopefully I can work through some of these things.

Last weekend I visiting my friend Maria in Charlotte. It had been quite awhile since we’d seen each other, and it was really good to just hang out with someone I can be completely comfortable around. Not that some major breakthrough occurred, but it was nice to see her and talk about our lives and the things we struggle with. I don’t have many friends that I can talk to frankly about my issues, but Maria is one of those people who I can pick-up with right where I left off.

Work is pissing me off. There’s this idiot in my department who makes my skin crawl. He wears some sort of strange cologne/body musk and he stands entirely too close to me when he talks. Aside from his personal creepiness, he also sucks at his job. I’m talking administrative paper-pushing 101 and this guy can’t get it together enough to move on to any other tasks. Because I’m still technically deferring to my supervisor, we continue to give him chances. I think we’re finally going to let him go in a couple weeks if he doesn’t straighten up, but I have to deal with the brunt of his moronic existence.

I don’t know, I’m having one of those days/weeks/months. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin and I just want to sleep at the same time. I’m going on yet another weekend getaway in a few days, and then next week Andres comes. I need to decompress in a major way, but beyond the few hours I have in the evening, I’m not sure when that will happen. I wish I had a life coach whispering in my ear that I can, in fact, do this.

And I ain't in the best shape that I've Ever Been In

I am at work right now, but definitely not in work mode. I’m sort of spinning from the weekend and from the things that are to come. I’m nervous about the rest of the summer. I have a couple trips planned in the coming weeks to see friends who I haven’t seen in a long time. Andres is coming down in a couple weeks, and then I have one long vacation I’m splitting between Michigan and San Francisco. That said, I am not sure what to make of the rest of this summer. Shrink and I talked about routine during my last session and that’s really resonated with me. I don’t do well unless I have a routine. I need consistency, and that’s something I require in nearly every facet of my life – my friends, my family, my workout, my eating habits etc. Routine is something that I sometimes neglect because I think I will be able to get by without it, but I’m realizing that maybe that’s not the case.

What I do know is that I have trouble dealing with curve balls – even if the curve ball is occurring in the future. It’s like I have to have a period of consistency in order to feel like I can accomplish…anything really. So right now I’m focusing on the day-to-day. I know that’s Recovery 101, but sometimes I get so caught up in the I-need-to-lose-weight-immediately machine, that I forget about just today.

I’m sort of sending this question out into the universe, but maybe some of the people who read this (all two of you) know what I’m talking about. I feel like recovery is such a whiny process, and I hate being a whiny girl. Sometimes I look back on the things I’m thinking and feeling about myself and my life, and it just seems like a really long episode of Oprah. Part of the reason I don’t think I dealt with these emotions and I found other ways to cope, is because I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to be that girl with the eating disorder who is sad and lonely and blames everything bad that happens on her problems with food.

Something that the visit from mom helped me to realize what that I don’t have to carry the issues mom has. I think I tried for a long time to sort of house that guilt and depression she had. It’s a bit refreshing to know that you can just hand that stuff back to whoever gave it to you. You don’t have to take up everybody else’s cross when your own cross is heavy enough.

'Course numb is an old hat/Old as my Oldest Memories

William tells me that I need to write in this thing more often, so here I am. I’m feeling very overwhelmed with emotion lately. My mom is coming into town today for a visit, and I always have this strange sadness when she visits. I don’t think it’s that I’m homesick – usually I can’t stand a visit to the motherland for more than five days. After that, I’m not sure what it is. The last few times the family has come down I’ve been an emotional basket case afterwards. Claire and I were talking today, and she suggested that maybe there is a release that comes when you’re around those that truly know you and you feel comfortable with. I suppose that’s logical, but the feeling I get is a bit more desperate. But I digress.

I’m trying to formally dig myself out of this hole of angst I’ve found myself in. Last night I had a bunch of junk food and promptly fell asleep. I woke up a couple hours later feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. A while back I read an article written by a man who was recovering from compulsive overeating. Prior to his problems with food, he had been a drug addict. In the article he contended that breaking his addiction from food was actually more difficult than breaking his addiction to drugs. He talks about the availability of food, the cheapness of food, and the euphoria felt when you eat certain types of food. Sometimes I completely understand what he’s talking about. I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I do know that the prevalence of food itself makes it incredibly accessible – more so than drugs. I’m not really sure where I’m going with all this, but sometimes I think I’m really hard on myself about a habit that is truly an addiction. I ended up purging last night, but it was a difficult purge because I felt so exhausted and out-of-it. I hate feeling this way. I’m tired and nauseous all day long, and then by evening I’m hungry again so I overeat. Then the whole thing starts again the next day. I just don’t understand how I can go from feeling so in-control and energized to feeling so completely dissonant and fatigued. I want to change that about myself.

I’m thinking about getting a trainer. I emailed my advisor from the gym I attend, and she is one of my favorite people at the gym. Apparently she’s not training yet, so I’m not sure who there is to pick from. I know that it really just comes down to me kicking my own ass and getting back into a routine. I’m very much lacking in routine right now, and shrink made an observation that I thrive off of a routine. At first I was a bit offended, because I visualize myself as very go-with-the-flow. I’m starting to realize that she’s right, and that having a routine doesn’t mean that I’ve turned into some mechanized machine of a woman. And I certainly know that I feel happier with a routine.

Getting to Know You...Like Julie Andrews

I had a very emotional session with the shrink today. I actually feel like I may be getting somewhere with therapy. I came to the realization today that I have been living my life for what I want to be. I have this fantasy person I've created in my mind and she's beautiful and thin and only receives positive feedback on her appearance. As I was telling Kendra about this person, I realized that my current self got lost in the process. I left my session feeling really afraid of what I might find if I delve into who I really am.

My head is constantly assessing this checklist I've created. Have I drank enough water, exercised enough, eaten just enough calories, and gotten the perfect amount of sleep? I somehow fail the day if the checklist isn't complete. It's a sign of whether or not I've had a good day - if any boxes are left unchecked, the day was a waste. So how do I get to the point where I exercise because it feels good and because it makes me strong and keeps my heart healthy? How can I separate this desperate and anxious feeling from my own intuitive feelings that tell me when I'm taking care of myself for good reasons? That feeling is so unnatural for me - so forced.

So I'm trying to decompress now, trying to absorb the revelation I had today. I'm torn between feeling like a complete head case and feeling like I am on the brink of changing my idea of beautiful. I'm just afraid that this is as far as I will get.

Imagine all the People, Living for Today

It's been a really surreal week and I'm ending it just feeling tired and kind of out of it. I had the flu for half the week, and the other half I just felt out of sorts. Things between Andres and me are less-than-ideal and I can't get an answer out of him that points in any direction. Every conversation I try to have with him either ends with his making jokes or just acting like he's ready to sleep. Everytime I build up the courage to call him and say that I just need to move on, he does something mildly charming and I regain hope that something might come out of this. We are a disaster. I can't even say that I'm bent out of shape about it being my fault anymore. Now it just feels sloppy and out of control and for some reason I'm afraid or just too lazy to pull in the reigns. I used to think it was because I loved him, but now I'm not so sure. I mean, I know there is love in my heart for him, but I'm not sure if it's the kind of love that can save us from this wreckage. I was thinking today about what he meant to me and how I used to feel for him, and I'm starting to think that maybe my feelings have changed. Or maybe I'm just so exhausted with waiting for my life to begin that I can't keep doing whatever it is we're doing.

I heard a quote this week, and I don't remember it was in a book I read, or in a movie I watched. It had something to do with not being able to move ahead to the future when your arms are full of the past. Hello. This is your life. How long have I done that very thing? How long have I clung to what used to be that I didn't realize what was right now? It all sounds very profound and literary, but I'm not trying to be trite. I just want my heart to catch up to my brain and get this show called My Life on the road. That's all.

Skeleton Crew

I used to watch my mother hang clothes she had just washed on the clothesline to dry. I would lay in the grass a few feet away from her and look at the sky while our sheets, shirts, and skirts billowed in the wind. I would try to lay very still until everything was dry because there was this sense of accomplishment I felt when the clothes would lose their heaviness and stop dragging the line. Blankets that once nearly grazed the grass would float higher and higher and become more affected by the breeze. It was like they had let go of something.

My sophomore year of high school I lost about 30 pounds. I had played softball since I was in pigtails, but it was becoming more and more evident that if I wanted to win the favor of my coach, I would need to slim down. I was a size 10 at the time, and had already reached my tallest height of 5'6. I dropped to a size 2 and found myself starting our varsity games. When we would run laps around the track during practice, I imagined myself like the laundry my mom would put out to dry. Everytime I ran another lap I envisioned another layer of fat evaporating from my body. I became faster, and lighter, and eventually I reasoned that I might be able to float away.

I still see this vision when I exercise - it's something that I have trouble erasing. I still contemplate just how much I have let go of each time I exercise. I still squeeze my hips and my wrists in an attempt to figure out how close I am to being light and little. My reasonable self wishes for a time will exercise will just be exercise, and laundry will just be clean. My disenchanted self just wants to float. For now, my present self is stuck in the middle, just trying to keep her head above water.