I've been in a foul mood most of the day and I can't quite put my finger on why the hell I'm feeling so down. I would like to chalk it up to PMS, but that's a problem because usually I call girls out when they try to play such a bullshit card.
The problem is that I'm feeling really bad about myself, physically. I've taken the purge option off the table completely. As in, it doesn't even register as an option for me right now. To say this leaves me feeling vulnerable would have to be the grossest understatement in, well, forever. Yes, I know I'm being dramatic right now, and a lot of this is just me sounding things out in my head, but I'm feeling really scared right now.
How do I fight back to those who automatically fail me as a person without reason? More importantly, how do I suppress the urge to prove my worthiness to those who are determined to make me out to be a bad person? See, at some point my life has to be about me, not about me shaping myself into someone based on what others around me project. My friend Kate and I met at the mall tonight to do some shopping and catching up. We stopped in at a little salon inside the mall to get our eyebrows waxed and asked if the aesthetician had time for both of us. The receptionist gave us the once-over and mumbled that 'Erica was busy' as she motioned toward the back of the salon. Kate, the ever acerbic said, 'who is Erica.' I nearly imploded trying to hold my laughter in. Kate was really upset when we left; she talked the whole way home about how belittled she felt by that receptionist. I see Kate and I can't imagine her ever feeling insecure; she's tall, thin, has dark hair and an olive complexion. But to hear how her whole trip was sullied because of one ten-second encounter made me feel almost devastated.
How is it that we build an armour of protection to ward off evil spirits in the form of nasty girls, snippy mothers, ambivalent crushes, and passive-aggressive coworkers? How do we avoid being deduced to gossip and tears and general malaise when we're faced with opposition from someone who clearly gets their kicks from being a bad person? I would love to think that we can just chalk it all up to a self-esteem issue and make ourselves believe that we're really better off not being reguarded in the likes of these people. But we all know that's not true right? Because if we could just shrug off gossiping and naysayers and bullies, the world would be like one neverending episode of Full House.
I think that maybe I'm grieving a little right now. I'm grieving a relationship with my mother that has changed, probably forever. I'm grieving a friendship that I'm risking in an attempt to explore other possibilities. I'm grieving a lost friend who continues to sink deeper into quicksand. I'm mourning my lost ability to truly just pick myself, dust myself off and...well, you know the rest.
Head under water, and you tell me
to breathe easy for awhile
Breathing gets harder
Even I know that
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
I Heart Jordan Catalano
Since I've been spending a lot of time trying to get over my recent cold, I've been watching the My So Called Life DVD series I got for Christmas (best gift ever!). I have to say that I have forgotten how spectacular this show really was. I really can't think of any other program that truly captured what life as a high school-er is really like. Freaks and Geeks came close, but MSCL will never be topped. I know that's a bold statement, but I heartily stand by it.
When I would watch the show several years ago, I really only paid attention to the character plots of Angela and her friends. Teenage angst was something I could relate to so easily, and Angela Chase was such the perfect teenager, I could hardly stand it. The strange thing is that now I'm really struck by Graham and Patty's (the parents) relationship. It's strange to see the people that parents turn into. As an outsider, watching Graham and Patty, I love them as a couple and as individuals. They remind me of my parents - a father with a quiet and slightly humorous intensity. A mom who cares so much that she doesn't really realize that she's trying so hard that it's almost unbearable.
This makes me think about my own family and the other families I know. I wonder what makes us fall into these roles almost subconsciously. I know that my parents were pretty cool people before they started having children. And I'm sure that before they had my brothers and me, they had the best intentions of being the most loving, attentive, and generous parents that they could be. I'm not saying that my parents were awful or that my childhood was rough or anything of that nature. What I am saying is that I wonder how it is that my parents fell into the roles they now have. And I wonder the same thing about my friends' parents, and now about my friends as parents.
I wish I knew what allows us to become complacent with a stereotype or generational habit, or a cultural expectation. Growing up, my parents had very different roles. My dad was fun and goofy and took me out for pizza on nights when my mom worked late. My mom was the disciplinarian and the general caretaker. I see that pattern a lot in families, and I know some of it has to do with the way our bodies are hardwired hormonally. But what I don't understand is why we become ok with it. My Aunt Kim and Uncle Steve are one of the few couples I know who share their parenting responsibilities almost exactly 50/50. They've been married for over 15 years and they've managed to buck every gender, generational, and stereotypical role that seems to fall on parents. And they have great kids. I don't know what their secret is, but I do know this; they both work ridiculously hard at being parents. So much so that it any observer can see that their family is their full time job and everything else is just details.
So I'm not really sure where that leaves me. The thought of having a family - of having responsibilities outside of myself scares me to no end. I don't want to fall into the trap of motherhood and wake up 10, 15, or 20 years from now not knowing who I am. I see my coworkers and my friends at church and my own family holding on so tight to their kids that they're not allowing for any autonomy. At what point do we stop living for ourselves and lose what we once knew to be our own life?
The thing that I love about Patty and Graham is that they don't always fall into these familiar roles of mom and dad. I was reading some of the notes from MSCL's creator included in the DVD set I have. She said if the show had continued, she would have split Patty and Graham up. A part (a very small part) is glad the show did end before she could break apart their marriage. It think that maybe we need to see a couple who realizes that not knowing the answers may be what it's all about.
All my life, is changing every day
In every possible way.
And my dreams, it's never quite as it seems
Because you're a dream to me.
When I would watch the show several years ago, I really only paid attention to the character plots of Angela and her friends. Teenage angst was something I could relate to so easily, and Angela Chase was such the perfect teenager, I could hardly stand it. The strange thing is that now I'm really struck by Graham and Patty's (the parents) relationship. It's strange to see the people that parents turn into. As an outsider, watching Graham and Patty, I love them as a couple and as individuals. They remind me of my parents - a father with a quiet and slightly humorous intensity. A mom who cares so much that she doesn't really realize that she's trying so hard that it's almost unbearable.
This makes me think about my own family and the other families I know. I wonder what makes us fall into these roles almost subconsciously. I know that my parents were pretty cool people before they started having children. And I'm sure that before they had my brothers and me, they had the best intentions of being the most loving, attentive, and generous parents that they could be. I'm not saying that my parents were awful or that my childhood was rough or anything of that nature. What I am saying is that I wonder how it is that my parents fell into the roles they now have. And I wonder the same thing about my friends' parents, and now about my friends as parents.
I wish I knew what allows us to become complacent with a stereotype or generational habit, or a cultural expectation. Growing up, my parents had very different roles. My dad was fun and goofy and took me out for pizza on nights when my mom worked late. My mom was the disciplinarian and the general caretaker. I see that pattern a lot in families, and I know some of it has to do with the way our bodies are hardwired hormonally. But what I don't understand is why we become ok with it. My Aunt Kim and Uncle Steve are one of the few couples I know who share their parenting responsibilities almost exactly 50/50. They've been married for over 15 years and they've managed to buck every gender, generational, and stereotypical role that seems to fall on parents. And they have great kids. I don't know what their secret is, but I do know this; they both work ridiculously hard at being parents. So much so that it any observer can see that their family is their full time job and everything else is just details.
So I'm not really sure where that leaves me. The thought of having a family - of having responsibilities outside of myself scares me to no end. I don't want to fall into the trap of motherhood and wake up 10, 15, or 20 years from now not knowing who I am. I see my coworkers and my friends at church and my own family holding on so tight to their kids that they're not allowing for any autonomy. At what point do we stop living for ourselves and lose what we once knew to be our own life?
The thing that I love about Patty and Graham is that they don't always fall into these familiar roles of mom and dad. I was reading some of the notes from MSCL's creator included in the DVD set I have. She said if the show had continued, she would have split Patty and Graham up. A part (a very small part) is glad the show did end before she could break apart their marriage. It think that maybe we need to see a couple who realizes that not knowing the answers may be what it's all about.
All my life, is changing every day
In every possible way.
And my dreams, it's never quite as it seems
Because you're a dream to me.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Certainly Not Me
So, this morning I woke up to a throbbing headache and a sore throat. I promptly rolled back over and fell asleep, only to wake up a few hours later feeling a slightly worse version of both symptoms. It's not often that I get the flu or a true cold, so I decided to hoof it over to the after-care clinic and see if I could get something to ease my ailments.
Let me tell you something about the after-care clinic. Without exception, it's the loudest damn place on earth. It doesn't matter where the clinic is located either. It could be in the middle of Orange County or on the outskirts of Mexico City. It still sounds like the middle of a flea market, regardless.
I sign in, flash my insurance card and take a seat away from where the general crowd is sitting in the waiting room. There's a mounted TV currently set to ESPN, in a waiting room full of old women and little kids. How appropriate. Not only is the TV on, but it's set to the loudest possible decibel. Nothing like a little Sports Center to keep my temples in check. Aside from this, the man sitting a few chairs away from me is coughing. Not just any cough either; this cough was the equivalent of a 6.8 on the Richter Scale. Everyone in the waiting room was startled every time he coughed. It didn't matter if I stared at him and tried to anticipate the next cough. It still scared the bejeesus out of me every time. I decided to hunker down inside of my hoodie and pretend I was in my warm bed. My serenity was interrupted fairly quickly by a couple of little kids who decided it was a good idea to turn my foot space into a race track.
I'm not bothered by kids who act like, well kids, in public. What bothers me is when parents choose to act completely oblivious to their children. Just because it's a public place doesn't mean people with children get a break from parenting. It's bad enough that families are given priority at the airport, restaurants, and parking lots, but I would rather not be faced with the demise of western civilization at the doctor's office. Instead of making a production out of the loud little bits playing at my feet, I moved to another chair. Thankfully, my name was called quickly after that.
When did waiting in the actual examination room take the place of waiting in the actual doctor's office waiting room? Were there just so many complaints about the wait time at doctor's offices that medical staff thought they were pulling a fast one by making patients wait in the examination room? Genius!
I made it out of the clinic and managed to pick-up my prescription without issue. I finally came home to my quiet, cushioned spot in bed. And I've been here ever since. Sore throat? Working its way out. Headache? Not since I left the clinic.
Let me tell you something about the after-care clinic. Without exception, it's the loudest damn place on earth. It doesn't matter where the clinic is located either. It could be in the middle of Orange County or on the outskirts of Mexico City. It still sounds like the middle of a flea market, regardless.
I sign in, flash my insurance card and take a seat away from where the general crowd is sitting in the waiting room. There's a mounted TV currently set to ESPN, in a waiting room full of old women and little kids. How appropriate. Not only is the TV on, but it's set to the loudest possible decibel. Nothing like a little Sports Center to keep my temples in check. Aside from this, the man sitting a few chairs away from me is coughing. Not just any cough either; this cough was the equivalent of a 6.8 on the Richter Scale. Everyone in the waiting room was startled every time he coughed. It didn't matter if I stared at him and tried to anticipate the next cough. It still scared the bejeesus out of me every time. I decided to hunker down inside of my hoodie and pretend I was in my warm bed. My serenity was interrupted fairly quickly by a couple of little kids who decided it was a good idea to turn my foot space into a race track.
I'm not bothered by kids who act like, well kids, in public. What bothers me is when parents choose to act completely oblivious to their children. Just because it's a public place doesn't mean people with children get a break from parenting. It's bad enough that families are given priority at the airport, restaurants, and parking lots, but I would rather not be faced with the demise of western civilization at the doctor's office. Instead of making a production out of the loud little bits playing at my feet, I moved to another chair. Thankfully, my name was called quickly after that.
When did waiting in the actual examination room take the place of waiting in the actual doctor's office waiting room? Were there just so many complaints about the wait time at doctor's offices that medical staff thought they were pulling a fast one by making patients wait in the examination room? Genius!
I made it out of the clinic and managed to pick-up my prescription without issue. I finally came home to my quiet, cushioned spot in bed. And I've been here ever since. Sore throat? Working its way out. Headache? Not since I left the clinic.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Oh Saturday Night...
Lately I’ve been feeling…well, for lack of a better word, blocked. I’m having trouble writing, I can’t allow my mind to relax enough to read, I drift away in the middle of conversations and meetings, and I’m having difficulties focusing on the most mindless of tasks. My room has been in upheaval for the last two weeks, and I can’t bring myself to even organize my laundry. What is wrong, you ask? I have no bloody idea. Even as I write this, I’m thinking about all the things I need to do for work, friends, family, the oil change I’ve neglected to get. And then to top it all off this morning, I log into my blog to discover that I’ve been blocked from the eating disorder forum I used to be a part of. Blocked! Everywhere I turn, blocked.
What I’ve decided is that I have a lot of unresolved issues that I need to address. First, I have to talk to my mom about the things I’ve been chewing on (no pun intended) for the last week. I know it’s going to be difficult, and I know the outcome may be something unpleasant, but I have to address this. This is heavier than just a couple snide comments that need to be reconciled. This is three generations worth of self-serving, underhandedly malicious behavior that has to be corrected.
My new plan of healthy living is going to begin February 1. I’ve been following all the homework tips from my little book, and I won’t have any travel or socially binding plans around this date. I’m physically and emotionally ready for change, and I think my mind will be ready once I have all of my organizational tools in place.
I love to swear. I think it all started as some sort of rebellion when I was in high school, and it’s snowballed into something that I never wanted it to be. I drop F-bombs like it’s Hiroshima, I take the lord’s name in vain, and I even make cuss word hybrids like asshat and fuckface. I’ve always known that it’s unbecoming, and I think that’s why I kept doing it – sort of my middle finger to all of those who told me it was unladylike or not feminine. I’m starting to realize that I sound like Andrew Dice Clay, so I’m trying to tone it down when it comes to cussing. Just another step I’m trying to take in my quest to better myself.
A sudden freedom, I shed the demons
Bask in the light of the day
Analytical, metaphysical
A shadow on the wall of the cave
What I’ve decided is that I have a lot of unresolved issues that I need to address. First, I have to talk to my mom about the things I’ve been chewing on (no pun intended) for the last week. I know it’s going to be difficult, and I know the outcome may be something unpleasant, but I have to address this. This is heavier than just a couple snide comments that need to be reconciled. This is three generations worth of self-serving, underhandedly malicious behavior that has to be corrected.
My new plan of healthy living is going to begin February 1. I’ve been following all the homework tips from my little book, and I won’t have any travel or socially binding plans around this date. I’m physically and emotionally ready for change, and I think my mind will be ready once I have all of my organizational tools in place.
I love to swear. I think it all started as some sort of rebellion when I was in high school, and it’s snowballed into something that I never wanted it to be. I drop F-bombs like it’s Hiroshima, I take the lord’s name in vain, and I even make cuss word hybrids like asshat and fuckface. I’ve always known that it’s unbecoming, and I think that’s why I kept doing it – sort of my middle finger to all of those who told me it was unladylike or not feminine. I’m starting to realize that I sound like Andrew Dice Clay, so I’m trying to tone it down when it comes to cussing. Just another step I’m trying to take in my quest to better myself.
A sudden freedom, I shed the demons
Bask in the light of the day
Analytical, metaphysical
A shadow on the wall of the cave
Friday, January 11, 2008
Is that her thigh, or a rabbit?
Before Christmas, I started seeing advertisements for a new show on one of the schmaltzy women's channels called How to Look Good Naked. It's hosted by Carson Kressley, who is of former Queer Eye for the Straight Guy fame. I was a bit skeptical because all of the commercials showed overweight women crying and then subsequently dancing around with Carson. The last thing I wanted to tune in to was another Sad Fat Girl show, or a trendy fashion show where gay men make snarkey quips at dowdy straight people.
To my surprise, How to Look Good Naked is fantastic. First of all, the show features women of all sizes who struggle with body image. Carson has toned it down a notch, and he is caring, compassionate, and tough without being insulting. I love the premise of this show. It shows which undergarments to wear to look good underneath clothes. Because Carson has some fabulous connections, all of the clothes are given to the person on the show. I'm talking $1500 couture dresses right off the rack and into the hands of these women. At the end of the show, there's kind of a mini-makeover with hair and makeup, and then Carson actually arranges for a nude photo shoot. And guess what? Afterwards, the women on the show actually think they look good naked.
There was one segment of the program that struck me - and I loved that the creators of the show included this part, because I think it's really crucial to truly feeling good naked. At the beginning of the show, Carson brings out a parade of women dressed in their underwear. These women are probably two sizes smaller and two sizes larger than the woman Carson is dressing. He asks her to first decide who she is closest to in size. From the show I watched, it looks like every woman sees herself as bigger than she truly is. The woman from tonight's episode was shocked when Carson placed her next to one of the smaller models. I love that - I love that the show addresses self-perception. I love that it opens up a conversation about being okay with one's self right now - not 40 pounds from now.
I'm working right now on being okay with the reality of now. This doesn't mean that I want to be complacent and resistant to change. It just means that while I work on my future self, I try to love my current self. Because my friends, self love is the best kind of love.
Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost will be found
So stand in the rain
To my surprise, How to Look Good Naked is fantastic. First of all, the show features women of all sizes who struggle with body image. Carson has toned it down a notch, and he is caring, compassionate, and tough without being insulting. I love the premise of this show. It shows which undergarments to wear to look good underneath clothes. Because Carson has some fabulous connections, all of the clothes are given to the person on the show. I'm talking $1500 couture dresses right off the rack and into the hands of these women. At the end of the show, there's kind of a mini-makeover with hair and makeup, and then Carson actually arranges for a nude photo shoot. And guess what? Afterwards, the women on the show actually think they look good naked.
There was one segment of the program that struck me - and I loved that the creators of the show included this part, because I think it's really crucial to truly feeling good naked. At the beginning of the show, Carson brings out a parade of women dressed in their underwear. These women are probably two sizes smaller and two sizes larger than the woman Carson is dressing. He asks her to first decide who she is closest to in size. From the show I watched, it looks like every woman sees herself as bigger than she truly is. The woman from tonight's episode was shocked when Carson placed her next to one of the smaller models. I love that - I love that the show addresses self-perception. I love that it opens up a conversation about being okay with one's self right now - not 40 pounds from now.
I'm working right now on being okay with the reality of now. This doesn't mean that I want to be complacent and resistant to change. It just means that while I work on my future self, I try to love my current self. Because my friends, self love is the best kind of love.
Stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day what's lost will be found
So stand in the rain
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Drive to the mailbox
One of my favorite websites, and daily check-in spots is Urbandictionary.com. I like to stay fresh, and keep up with what the kids are saying. My new favorite term? Vajority; meaning the female majority. I’m a fan of any vagina-hybrid term, but this one takes the cake for me.
Speaking of fresh and new, I’ve found a new fitness plan for which I am muy excited. Yesterday, I stopped into Barnes and Noble to get my weekly book fix. There was a huge health and fitness display two feet inside the entrance, and smiling up at me from the cover of her book was Kim Lyons. Kim Lyons is one of the trainers from the TV show, The Biggest Loser. I like her because she’s really compassionate, practical, and encouraging on the show. Her book is no different. She provides a complete fitness regimen as well as a nutrition outline. What I like most is that she has seemed to take into account that her readers may actually have a full time life going on outside of trying to be healthy. The book is easy to follow, and Kim provides recipes that can be made and then frozen. Me likey.
I’m feeling a lot better today than I was feeling last week. I have an appointment with Dr. Gray on Friday, and I’m actually looking forward to talking things out with her. I also spent last night organizing my bedroom so that I have space to exercise along with plenty of room to work on my craft hobbies. It’s all gonna be ok.
If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I’d find a match
Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am
If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching, I’ll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am
I’d buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
Speaking of fresh and new, I’ve found a new fitness plan for which I am muy excited. Yesterday, I stopped into Barnes and Noble to get my weekly book fix. There was a huge health and fitness display two feet inside the entrance, and smiling up at me from the cover of her book was Kim Lyons. Kim Lyons is one of the trainers from the TV show, The Biggest Loser. I like her because she’s really compassionate, practical, and encouraging on the show. Her book is no different. She provides a complete fitness regimen as well as a nutrition outline. What I like most is that she has seemed to take into account that her readers may actually have a full time life going on outside of trying to be healthy. The book is easy to follow, and Kim provides recipes that can be made and then frozen. Me likey.
I’m feeling a lot better today than I was feeling last week. I have an appointment with Dr. Gray on Friday, and I’m actually looking forward to talking things out with her. I also spent last night organizing my bedroom so that I have space to exercise along with plenty of room to work on my craft hobbies. It’s all gonna be ok.
If you were falling, then I would catch you
You need a light, I’d find a match
Cuz I love the way you say good morning
And you take me the way I am
If you are chilly, here take my sweater
Your head is aching, I’ll make it better.
Cuz I love the way you call me baby
And you take me the way I am
I’d buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair
Sew on patches to all you tear
Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise
And you take me the way I am
Friday, January 4, 2008
...that we'll be ok.
I hit a low today. I lowly low, one I haven't felt in a long time - maybe even in years. I'm really struggling right now with what to do next, and I feel like I'm staring down uncertainty in almost every aspect of my life. My former employer hired a motivational speaker during a period when the company was going through a lot of changes. His catchphrase was, "I eat change for breakfast."
I'm eating change for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And then I'm throwing it back up. My throat hurts, I can't sleep, and my eyes are fuzzy. The thing that is plaguing me the most is that change is an inevitable part of life, especially during recovery. I don't want to keep being dragged under water every time I'm faced with something emotionally taxing. I just want to keep plugging through.
One of my favorite writers is Anne Lamott. She's a Christian author, but she's lived a pretty seedy life. Part of her past includes her struggles with eating disorders. She says that one day she sought help with hers, and met with a therapist. She figured out that she wasn't eating when she was hungry, and she wasn't stopping eating when she was full. This revelation frustrates me. I know that I don't have a normal eating pattern. I know that my body has no idea what it's like to be fed on a normal basis. I don't spend my evenings with my head in the toilet because of a lack of knowledge. I could tell you how many calories are in a banana, a piece of chocolate, a slice of lasagna, and an enchilada. Being overweight, or having any type of compulsive eating disorder does not happen because people are stupid. It happens because it's the only way these people know how to cope with change and adversity.
I guess what ultimately worries me is that it's too late for me to change. That these behaviors are so ingrained in my character that it is inherently impossible for me to break free. Clearly identifying the problem isn't enough. But I guess what keeps me going is the glimmer of hope that I'm strong enough to overcome this. And that even in the midst of a really trying binge/purge cycle, I know that I am better than this, and that I do have that Anne Lamott gumption to break free.
So here is what I have decided. I'm going to start with just exercise. Four days a week of whatever I want to do to burn some calories and relieve some stress. I'm not going to count fat grams, or stop eating out, or eliminate bread from my diet. I'm just focusing on one action that I know is entirely within my reach. And I'm giving it 90 days. If after 90 days I still feel lousy, I'll try something else. I think I'm mostly doing this because I know that I deserve it, I know that my heart and soul deserve the chance to thrive and be the best they can be.
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry
I'm eating change for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And then I'm throwing it back up. My throat hurts, I can't sleep, and my eyes are fuzzy. The thing that is plaguing me the most is that change is an inevitable part of life, especially during recovery. I don't want to keep being dragged under water every time I'm faced with something emotionally taxing. I just want to keep plugging through.
One of my favorite writers is Anne Lamott. She's a Christian author, but she's lived a pretty seedy life. Part of her past includes her struggles with eating disorders. She says that one day she sought help with hers, and met with a therapist. She figured out that she wasn't eating when she was hungry, and she wasn't stopping eating when she was full. This revelation frustrates me. I know that I don't have a normal eating pattern. I know that my body has no idea what it's like to be fed on a normal basis. I don't spend my evenings with my head in the toilet because of a lack of knowledge. I could tell you how many calories are in a banana, a piece of chocolate, a slice of lasagna, and an enchilada. Being overweight, or having any type of compulsive eating disorder does not happen because people are stupid. It happens because it's the only way these people know how to cope with change and adversity.
I guess what ultimately worries me is that it's too late for me to change. That these behaviors are so ingrained in my character that it is inherently impossible for me to break free. Clearly identifying the problem isn't enough. But I guess what keeps me going is the glimmer of hope that I'm strong enough to overcome this. And that even in the midst of a really trying binge/purge cycle, I know that I am better than this, and that I do have that Anne Lamott gumption to break free.
So here is what I have decided. I'm going to start with just exercise. Four days a week of whatever I want to do to burn some calories and relieve some stress. I'm not going to count fat grams, or stop eating out, or eliminate bread from my diet. I'm just focusing on one action that I know is entirely within my reach. And I'm giving it 90 days. If after 90 days I still feel lousy, I'll try something else. I think I'm mostly doing this because I know that I deserve it, I know that my heart and soul deserve the chance to thrive and be the best they can be.
I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry
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