Adam West

I slept through my 6AM alarm this morning and ended up rolling over to a clock that read 8:17.

Oh, hell.

So I raced around and somehow managed to be out the door in just under 30 minutes. I spent the short drive to my office chastising myself for being so hard on my body. I spent the rest of the day scrutinizing calories and gulping water to rehydrate.

I fell pretty hard this time. Last week I felt like I was an actress in the starting sequence of every Batman TV show from a few decades ago. I was zapping, kaplowing, and bamming my way through a bunch of gnarly situations. Then came the crash. The burn. The incineration. Getting back up is still causing me some issue, but I don't feel like I'm lacking in clarity right now. Just having trouble reaching the bootstraps.

I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm going about all of this in the wrong way. For the past couple years, I have been trying to seek out every form of medium that relates to my present situation. I keep thinking that I'll get better if I can build up this army of books, songs, and movies that tell my story, that make me feel less insane. But I don't know that it's necessarily about that right now. I think that maybe it's about focusing on who I want to be, not swimming around in what I am or what I used to be. Maybe.

A thousand fires burn out of control
And no one's ever there
To see them
We're dyin of thirst our voice is lost
From all this screaming
I came down in a lonely state
And now everyone is leaving
Our souls so charred beyond recognition
And I'm trying to find the reason

Small Victories

Who was able to check three major projects off her to-do list by noon?

That's right.

Me.

You Know the One

I grabbed dinner with some friends tonight after work. Midway through the meal, I realized that I was counting the calories in practically every bite I was taking. I promptly put down my fork, took a deep breath, and waited for the feeling to pass, but it didn't ever really go away. I counted all the way home.

I think it is fair to say that the holidays are extraordinarily difficult for those who struggle with disordered eating. I think it’s an even safer bet to say that summer is like one long and steamy holiday. A holiday full of barbecues and beer and forced socialization in minimal amounts of clothing. Right now I’m just treading, trying to keep my head above water and not get pulled into the tide of Body Hatred and Lack of Self Esteem.

In a few days, I'm heading to Michigan for what is supposed to be an escape and a chance to catch a ball game. Instead, I'm worrying about how much weight I have gained since the last time I saw my family. My brother and sister-in-law have spent the bulk of their marriage on diets of some description or another. They yo-yo back and forth between sizes, and spend a great deal of time talking about losing weight. My sister-in-law has even gone so far as to post a countdown of sorts on her MySpace pages. My mother provides me with a weekly update on how much weight the family has lost or gained. And while I love seeing my family, and laughing with my brothers, and shopping with my mom, sometimes I just wish it were different. I wish my visits home weren't filled with such trepidation, and I wish I didn't feel scrutinized each time I walked through the door. I mostly wish I didn't have a "let'sjustgetthisoverwith" feeling every time I came home.

So, as much as I want to just give in and listen to that voice that tells me to makeup for all of the hot dogs and beer I've had in the past few days, I know I need to keep fighting the good fight. And that no matter how hard my mom stares at my waistline, it's still about me nurturing and taking care of myself. I think.

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
stutter shook and uptight
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am fine
I am covered in skin
no one gets to come in
pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded, and unfolding
I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am fine