When I started this blog, it was to talk about my recovery from bulimia. I wrote a few posts and ignored them for a few months. I realized that they sounded whiny and since I don't have any immediate plans to appear on the Montel Williams show, I'm going back to my original plan.
Today was difficult. It was the first truly difficult day I've had in a long time. I am so scared that I'm going to start another chain reaction within myself. I had lunch with Claire today and I couldn't decide what I wanted. I ended up getting a mediocre meat and veggie plate that cost me almost twenty bucks. I'm not to the place yet where I can feel ok with eating something that isn't necessarily the most healthiest choice. So I struggle with being obsessive about not overeating, instead of obsessing and then overeating.
Tonight I just feel restless and lonely. I just got back from a date, the second date I've had with this certain boy who I'm starting to take interest in. I don't want to act like I'm this existential, moody, mess of a woman. But I am lonely. Even when I'm not alone. I get this restless feeling that just takes me over and I can't focus on the people I'm with. All I can feel is my own anxiousness. It spirals around me and I get lost in it. And I'm fighting my way out, but today my fight was weak.
I'm making strides in my workout. I feel good. I feel good while I'm doing it, after I do it, and I feel good when I think about doing it. The scale just isn't moving fast enough for me. It is so difficult to know that I could resort to my old tendencies and drop 20 lbs in 20 days, but I know it's not worth it. Or at least I want to know it's not worth it.
I'm just meandering a bit before bed. My eyes are tired, but my mind is on fire.
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