And Now...

Edit: I have created a separate blog for my new venture. Check it out at: http://andnowforthedifference.blogspot.com/.

Whenever I self-evaluate, and think about the things in my life I would like to change, I find the answer is always the same. My weight, my weight, and my weight. In that order. Every time.

I've really struggled lately, and found myself sinking back into that same loop of desperation. Binge. Feel guilty. Purge. Lather, rinse, and repeat if necessary. And it's always necessary. I could say that I've done everything to overcome this, but that's not true. I think there's an ebb and flow to getting over something of this magnitude. I'm waiting for the ebb.

That said, I've been thinking of ways that I can better myself in the new year. I'm not one for resolutions, because I feel like there are plenty of ways I can accidentally disappoint myself. Why add to the list? But that's sort of the definition of self-defeating, and that's just not working for me anymore. So, as a sort of simultaneous thought-chain, I've been thinking about re-tooling this blog. I feel like I set out to tell my story, but that story unravels every day, and I'm finding that it's hard to be the narrator of my own movie.

Ok, so getting back to the original self-evaluation, and seeking to better myself. In sort of exploring the issue of changing my body, I usually wind up in the same place. Find a restrictive diet and exercise in abundance. Because that has totally worked the last 762 times I tried it, so why not give it one more whirl? Because. I said, enough already!

So instead, I have decided to embark on a new journey for 2009. Call it a resolution, call it a diet, call it playing with fire. But I'm calling it research. I think a lot of the issues I have had with food and the abuse thereof has to do with a lot of built-up pressure based on all kinds of information I have learned from the various diets I have attempted in the past. Should I eat pasta? Should I eat an apple everyday? Should I avoid apples? Should I eat after 9? After 8? After 5? Is it better to exercise in the morning, or at night? Should I use the 2/3 rule? Should I? Can I? Will I?

My project for 2009 is simple. I plan to attempt a new diet each month of the year, starting on January 5. I will follow the plan as closely as possible, and document my journey - what worked, where I struggled, how I felt emotionally and physically, etc. And you, dear readers (reader?) will get a front-row seat.

I know this may sound ridiculous. Why on earth would someone who has struggled so much with diets and self-image and food and exercise do something like this? And I'm not sure I have an answer to that question. I do know this. Taking on this project will allow me to focus on one thing at a time, so I won't feel the overwhelming wave of dos and do nots when I try to cram everything I have ever learned into a diet. Also, I have established some ground rules, so I won't be embarking on anything restrictive, overly expensive, faddish, or generally destructive. I've set these guidelines.

1. Each plan must include both a diet and exercise regimen.
2. Each plan must consist of at least 1500 calories a day. I have based this on my doctor's recommendation.
3. No plans that eliminate fruit or vegetable groups.
4. No plans that require mail ordered or prepackaged and shipped food items.

Since I'm still kind of working out the details of this, I haven't really decided what the determining factors will be for success or failure. Since weight loss is my immediate goal (with a broader and more important goal of health and well-being), I will be reporting any gains/losses at the end of each month.

I have a few options in mind for January's plan. I will be posting more details soon. Oh, and I would like to keep this blog as a sort of separate log of my journey. I still plan to write on other topics, so I'll be splitting this into two channels. Stay tuned!