Wednesday, January 20, 2010

The Pandora Affect

Over the past few weeks, I’ve really been delving into some reading and movies discussing the topic of eating disorders. Since disordered eating is something I struggle with daily, I sometimes find myself searching for answers as to the why and how this all started for me. Aside from this, I also have something called PCOS, which is an acronym for a disease that affects my insulin levels, weight fluctuations, and my ability to ovulate. I’ve been researching a lot into the causes behind PCOS. Most theories seem to put PCOS as the cause of all symptoms related to disease, but there are some schools of thought that believe that obesity can actually cause PCOS.

As I delve into my research, I can only find one recurring theme. That all of this talk of insulin resistance, disordered eating, depression, and a litany of other unattractive symptoms just makes me feel badly about myself. And subsequently triggers me to fall back into dangerous habits. And I hate that.

So, I find myself feeling very stuck in all of this. I want to feel better. I want to manage my PCOS so that not every day feels like an uphill battle. I want to normalize my eating so that the prospect of eating out doesn’t incite a tightening in my chest. I want to be able to discover what I can do to better myself without sending myself into a tailspin of anxiety.

How do I find answers without opening up a new set of questions?

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