Like Indecision to Call You

I am in a really weird place right now. Nothing is going right and I am sad and scared and feeling general malaise. I suppose the little thread I am hanging on is that I am actually feeling my emotions right now. It has been so long since I have cried so freely and felt ok with just being sad about something. It was scary at first to not try and just numb myself into oblivion, but I did it. I am letting myself experience life and not back away from my feelings. And that’s ok.

I’ve decided that I have to sit down and talk to my mom about the things that I can’t take on for her. I am not saying that I’m going to create some approved list of topics we discuss, but I have to let her know my limits. Mostly I can not listen to her blame my father for everything that’s wrong with them financially. I know for a fact that she’s had a hand in this as well, and it’s not fair of her to put her frustrations on me. That is what therapy is for.

It is a strange thing to realize what I have carried on my shoulders for too long. I remember watching this episode of Oprah when I was in college. There was a woman about my age (now) who lost something like 175 pounds in something like seven months. She said that the seven months was the last part of her therapy; she had spent years prior in recovery from disordered eating. It was not until she was able to let go of all of the extra baggage that did not belong to her, that she was able to lose her own physical baggage. I am not even to the point of thinking about weight loss, mostly out of the fear of slipping into old habits. I am however, working to get rid of this extra emotional baggage.

My father is a very simplistic in his craft. He likes clean lines, open spaces, and room to create. I used to watch him at his drafting table when he would draw-up plans for new houses. He always started with a lot of extras; crown molding, abbreviated lofts, bay windows, cabinetry, etc. His final drafts were always sophisticated without being overly intricate. I loved to imagine what it be like to live in his houses, with their airy high ceilings and long stretches of hardwood floors. I could fill the space up any way I liked, and I kind of imagine that I’m doing the same thing with my life. I’m clearing out of the extra stuff I don’t need so I can make space for who I truly want to be.