I've Got My Reasons, Got My Seasons

Today marks six weeks of no purging. Actually six weeks of no purging and not purposely overeating. What makes this even more significant is that I hadn't even counted the six weeks. Usually I'm like an abacus, counting every millisecond that I haven't purged. It feels good to have not noticed the time passing so quickly. This leads me to analyze what has been different about the last month-and-a-half that has allowed me to stop searching for reasons to binge.

• I did an insane amount of traveling - especially during the weekends when I tend to isolate and fall into the binge/purge cycle
• I really threw myself into work. It's been an especially stressful time for my department and I worked really hard to make changes that I hope will have a lasting impact on my team.
• I've been careful about journaling whenever that negative anti-Emily voice kicks in. I'm working to respond to all the misconceptions I have about myself.
• I've been praying a lot. I don't like to get all Jesus-y here, but I do notice that my life is a bit more peaceful during the times when I am meditative and prayerful. I'll leave it at that.

That being said, I'm a bit worried about starting to purge again. Based on my past history, I usually don't last much longer than this before I freak out and fall into old habits. All I can say is that this time I feel like my arsenal of defense tools is stronger than before. I don't want to be overy-analytical here. I'm just excited about my success and tomorrow will be a new day.

I've been dancing and singing all day long. I actually used to sing all the time. During my first stint in college, I studied under the tutelage of Eugenia Yau. She was this amazing petite little Asian woman with the voice of an Operatic Goddess. She worked diligently with me to convince me that I could in fact, perform at a couple showcases the music department sponsored. My voice was a lot more pure then - before cigarettes, and shouting, and throwing-up turned me a bit rusty. All of this is to say that I miss singing and I want to get back into it. Part of me wants to find a church with a choir, even though I'm happy where I am now. We'll see. For now, the shower and my car will have to do.