I slept through my 6AM alarm this morning and ended up rolling over to a clock that read 8:17.
Oh, hell.
So I raced around and somehow managed to be out the door in just under 30 minutes. I spent the short drive to my office chastising myself for being so hard on my body. I spent the rest of the day scrutinizing calories and gulping water to rehydrate.
I fell pretty hard this time. Last week I felt like I was an actress in the starting sequence of every Batman TV show from a few decades ago. I was zapping, kaplowing, and bamming my way through a bunch of gnarly situations. Then came the crash. The burn. The incineration. Getting back up is still causing me some issue, but I don't feel like I'm lacking in clarity right now. Just having trouble reaching the bootstraps.
I'm starting to wonder if maybe I'm going about all of this in the wrong way. For the past couple years, I have been trying to seek out every form of medium that relates to my present situation. I keep thinking that I'll get better if I can build up this army of books, songs, and movies that tell my story, that make me feel less insane. But I don't know that it's necessarily about that right now. I think that maybe it's about focusing on who I want to be, not swimming around in what I am or what I used to be. Maybe.
A thousand fires burn out of control
And no one's ever there
To see them
We're dyin of thirst our voice is lost
From all this screaming
I came down in a lonely state
And now everyone is leaving
Our souls so charred beyond recognition
And I'm trying to find the reason
1 comment:
i think you're right. i think healing really began for me when i realized everything i ever needed to get well was in me... not in a book, a show, a song or a particular "program." it sounds schmaltzy, but it's true. for me anyway.
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