You Know the One

I grabbed dinner with some friends tonight after work. Midway through the meal, I realized that I was counting the calories in practically every bite I was taking. I promptly put down my fork, took a deep breath, and waited for the feeling to pass, but it didn't ever really go away. I counted all the way home.

I think it is fair to say that the holidays are extraordinarily difficult for those who struggle with disordered eating. I think it’s an even safer bet to say that summer is like one long and steamy holiday. A holiday full of barbecues and beer and forced socialization in minimal amounts of clothing. Right now I’m just treading, trying to keep my head above water and not get pulled into the tide of Body Hatred and Lack of Self Esteem.

In a few days, I'm heading to Michigan for what is supposed to be an escape and a chance to catch a ball game. Instead, I'm worrying about how much weight I have gained since the last time I saw my family. My brother and sister-in-law have spent the bulk of their marriage on diets of some description or another. They yo-yo back and forth between sizes, and spend a great deal of time talking about losing weight. My sister-in-law has even gone so far as to post a countdown of sorts on her MySpace pages. My mother provides me with a weekly update on how much weight the family has lost or gained. And while I love seeing my family, and laughing with my brothers, and shopping with my mom, sometimes I just wish it were different. I wish my visits home weren't filled with such trepidation, and I wish I didn't feel scrutinized each time I walked through the door. I mostly wish I didn't have a "let'sjustgetthisoverwith" feeling every time I came home.

So, as much as I want to just give in and listen to that voice that tells me to makeup for all of the hot dogs and beer I've had in the past few days, I know I need to keep fighting the good fight. And that no matter how hard my mom stares at my waistline, it's still about me nurturing and taking care of myself. I think.

I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
stutter shook and uptight
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am fine
I am covered in skin
no one gets to come in
pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded, and unfolding
I am colorblind
coffee black and egg white
pull me out from inside
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am fine