Take me back to the start

I've been trying to fall back to sleep for the last hour, but my mind is kind of racing right now. I'm feeling better, perhaps in part to the Prozac, but also because I'm just thinking clearly. I had a really great session with Dr. Gray this week, and I feel energized and inspired. It's easy for me to make that list of things I'm not doing - working out, eating 'healthy,' journaling, meditating, etc etc. But today it's about what I am doing. I'm eating, and not just for the purpose of purging. I'm not letting myself binge. I'm intervening with that voice that says I can't do it. I'm intervening even more with the voice that says I'm going to fail.

Last weekend I had a chance to spend some time with one of my oldest and dearest friends. She's a musician who recently experienced some sort of tendonitis. It's a problem she's had for almost two years, but it gets so bad sometimes that she can't even use her right arm. I won't get into the specifics of the story, but basically she realized she had put her life on hold while she coped with this issue she had. Something about that resonated with me so deeply. I have this ideal in my head that as soon as I'm thin, I'll be able to do whatever I want. I hold back in pretty much every aspect of my life because I think I don't deserve to participate with the rest of the human race. I'm finally starting to see that I've sold myself short for as long as I can remember. No longer my friends. No longer.