Hanging on this Wire

I’m not really sure where I am right now. I’ve been binging and purging pretty much daily, and I’m completely exhausted from it. I’m completely amazed at the 180 I’ve done since last month. Every night I go to bed with every intention of getting up early to workout. I feel disgusting – fat, tired, moody, and sore. It still blows my mind how much purging affects my body. When I was younger, it didn’t used to take such a toll on me – I could still find energy to work and purge and even workout. Now I’m sleeping late and passing out on the couch before 8PM. But for as bad as I feel, I can’t seem to kick this little phase. The good news is that I have a session with Dr. Gray tonight, so hopefully I can work through some of these things.

Last weekend I visiting my friend Maria in Charlotte. It had been quite awhile since we’d seen each other, and it was really good to just hang out with someone I can be completely comfortable around. Not that some major breakthrough occurred, but it was nice to see her and talk about our lives and the things we struggle with. I don’t have many friends that I can talk to frankly about my issues, but Maria is one of those people who I can pick-up with right where I left off.

Work is pissing me off. There’s this idiot in my department who makes my skin crawl. He wears some sort of strange cologne/body musk and he stands entirely too close to me when he talks. Aside from his personal creepiness, he also sucks at his job. I’m talking administrative paper-pushing 101 and this guy can’t get it together enough to move on to any other tasks. Because I’m still technically deferring to my supervisor, we continue to give him chances. I think we’re finally going to let him go in a couple weeks if he doesn’t straighten up, but I have to deal with the brunt of his moronic existence.

I don’t know, I’m having one of those days/weeks/months. I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin and I just want to sleep at the same time. I’m going on yet another weekend getaway in a few days, and then next week Andres comes. I need to decompress in a major way, but beyond the few hours I have in the evening, I’m not sure when that will happen. I wish I had a life coach whispering in my ear that I can, in fact, do this.