...that we'll be ok.

I hit a low today. I lowly low, one I haven't felt in a long time - maybe even in years. I'm really struggling right now with what to do next, and I feel like I'm staring down uncertainty in almost every aspect of my life. My former employer hired a motivational speaker during a period when the company was going through a lot of changes. His catchphrase was, "I eat change for breakfast."

I'm eating change for breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And then I'm throwing it back up. My throat hurts, I can't sleep, and my eyes are fuzzy. The thing that is plaguing me the most is that change is an inevitable part of life, especially during recovery. I don't want to keep being dragged under water every time I'm faced with something emotionally taxing. I just want to keep plugging through.

One of my favorite writers is Anne Lamott. She's a Christian author, but she's lived a pretty seedy life. Part of her past includes her struggles with eating disorders. She says that one day she sought help with hers, and met with a therapist. She figured out that she wasn't eating when she was hungry, and she wasn't stopping eating when she was full. This revelation frustrates me. I know that I don't have a normal eating pattern. I know that my body has no idea what it's like to be fed on a normal basis. I don't spend my evenings with my head in the toilet because of a lack of knowledge. I could tell you how many calories are in a banana, a piece of chocolate, a slice of lasagna, and an enchilada. Being overweight, or having any type of compulsive eating disorder does not happen because people are stupid. It happens because it's the only way these people know how to cope with change and adversity.

I guess what ultimately worries me is that it's too late for me to change. That these behaviors are so ingrained in my character that it is inherently impossible for me to break free. Clearly identifying the problem isn't enough. But I guess what keeps me going is the glimmer of hope that I'm strong enough to overcome this. And that even in the midst of a really trying binge/purge cycle, I know that I am better than this, and that I do have that Anne Lamott gumption to break free.

So here is what I have decided. I'm going to start with just exercise. Four days a week of whatever I want to do to burn some calories and relieve some stress. I'm not going to count fat grams, or stop eating out, or eliminate bread from my diet. I'm just focusing on one action that I know is entirely within my reach. And I'm giving it 90 days. If after 90 days I still feel lousy, I'll try something else. I think I'm mostly doing this because I know that I deserve it, I know that my heart and soul deserve the chance to thrive and be the best they can be.

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well," "I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look
And for a moment, for a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone, no one hears me cry