Lately I’ve been feeling…well, for lack of a better word, blocked. I’m having trouble writing, I can’t allow my mind to relax enough to read, I drift away in the middle of conversations and meetings, and I’m having difficulties focusing on the most mindless of tasks. My room has been in upheaval for the last two weeks, and I can’t bring myself to even organize my laundry. What is wrong, you ask? I have no bloody idea. Even as I write this, I’m thinking about all the things I need to do for work, friends, family, the oil change I’ve neglected to get. And then to top it all off this morning, I log into my blog to discover that I’ve been blocked from the eating disorder forum I used to be a part of. Blocked! Everywhere I turn, blocked.
What I’ve decided is that I have a lot of unresolved issues that I need to address. First, I have to talk to my mom about the things I’ve been chewing on (no pun intended) for the last week. I know it’s going to be difficult, and I know the outcome may be something unpleasant, but I have to address this. This is heavier than just a couple snide comments that need to be reconciled. This is three generations worth of self-serving, underhandedly malicious behavior that has to be corrected.
My new plan of healthy living is going to begin February 1. I’ve been following all the homework tips from my little book, and I won’t have any travel or socially binding plans around this date. I’m physically and emotionally ready for change, and I think my mind will be ready once I have all of my organizational tools in place.
I love to swear. I think it all started as some sort of rebellion when I was in high school, and it’s snowballed into something that I never wanted it to be. I drop F-bombs like it’s Hiroshima, I take the lord’s name in vain, and I even make cuss word hybrids like asshat and fuckface. I’ve always known that it’s unbecoming, and I think that’s why I kept doing it – sort of my middle finger to all of those who told me it was unladylike or not feminine. I’m starting to realize that I sound like Andrew Dice Clay, so I’m trying to tone it down when it comes to cussing. Just another step I’m trying to take in my quest to better myself.
A sudden freedom, I shed the demons
Bask in the light of the day
Analytical, metaphysical
A shadow on the wall of the cave
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