I am at work right now, but definitely not in work mode. I’m sort of spinning from the weekend and from the things that are to come. I’m nervous about the rest of the summer. I have a couple trips planned in the coming weeks to see friends who I haven’t seen in a long time. Andres is coming down in a couple weeks, and then I have one long vacation I’m splitting between Michigan and San Francisco. That said, I am not sure what to make of the rest of this summer. Shrink and I talked about routine during my last session and that’s really resonated with me. I don’t do well unless I have a routine. I need consistency, and that’s something I require in nearly every facet of my life – my friends, my family, my workout, my eating habits etc. Routine is something that I sometimes neglect because I think I will be able to get by without it, but I’m realizing that maybe that’s not the case.
What I do know is that I have trouble dealing with curve balls – even if the curve ball is occurring in the future. It’s like I have to have a period of consistency in order to feel like I can accomplish…anything really. So right now I’m focusing on the day-to-day. I know that’s Recovery 101, but sometimes I get so caught up in the I-need-to-lose-weight-immediately machine, that I forget about just today.
I’m sort of sending this question out into the universe, but maybe some of the people who read this (all two of you) know what I’m talking about. I feel like recovery is such a whiny process, and I hate being a whiny girl. Sometimes I look back on the things I’m thinking and feeling about myself and my life, and it just seems like a really long episode of Oprah. Part of the reason I don’t think I dealt with these emotions and I found other ways to cope, is because I didn’t want to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to be that girl with the eating disorder who is sad and lonely and blames everything bad that happens on her problems with food.
Something that the visit from mom helped me to realize what that I don’t have to carry the issues mom has. I think I tried for a long time to sort of house that guilt and depression she had. It’s a bit refreshing to know that you can just hand that stuff back to whoever gave it to you. You don’t have to take up everybody else’s cross when your own cross is heavy enough.
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1 comment:
I totally agree, sometimes my problems and "issues" (ugh) seem so ridiculous to me. It makes me think, how dare you be all screwed up over that when some people have to deal with X or have suffered Y or can't do Z. But we are who we are; we have to live the lives we have. Try to go gently.
xoxo
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