'Course numb is an old hat/Old as my Oldest Memories

William tells me that I need to write in this thing more often, so here I am. I’m feeling very overwhelmed with emotion lately. My mom is coming into town today for a visit, and I always have this strange sadness when she visits. I don’t think it’s that I’m homesick – usually I can’t stand a visit to the motherland for more than five days. After that, I’m not sure what it is. The last few times the family has come down I’ve been an emotional basket case afterwards. Claire and I were talking today, and she suggested that maybe there is a release that comes when you’re around those that truly know you and you feel comfortable with. I suppose that’s logical, but the feeling I get is a bit more desperate. But I digress.

I’m trying to formally dig myself out of this hole of angst I’ve found myself in. Last night I had a bunch of junk food and promptly fell asleep. I woke up a couple hours later feeling like I’d been hit by a truck. A while back I read an article written by a man who was recovering from compulsive overeating. Prior to his problems with food, he had been a drug addict. In the article he contended that breaking his addiction from food was actually more difficult than breaking his addiction to drugs. He talks about the availability of food, the cheapness of food, and the euphoria felt when you eat certain types of food. Sometimes I completely understand what he’s talking about. I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I do know that the prevalence of food itself makes it incredibly accessible – more so than drugs. I’m not really sure where I’m going with all this, but sometimes I think I’m really hard on myself about a habit that is truly an addiction. I ended up purging last night, but it was a difficult purge because I felt so exhausted and out-of-it. I hate feeling this way. I’m tired and nauseous all day long, and then by evening I’m hungry again so I overeat. Then the whole thing starts again the next day. I just don’t understand how I can go from feeling so in-control and energized to feeling so completely dissonant and fatigued. I want to change that about myself.

I’m thinking about getting a trainer. I emailed my advisor from the gym I attend, and she is one of my favorite people at the gym. Apparently she’s not training yet, so I’m not sure who there is to pick from. I know that it really just comes down to me kicking my own ass and getting back into a routine. I’m very much lacking in routine right now, and shrink made an observation that I thrive off of a routine. At first I was a bit offended, because I visualize myself as very go-with-the-flow. I’m starting to realize that she’s right, and that having a routine doesn’t mean that I’ve turned into some mechanized machine of a woman. And I certainly know that I feel happier with a routine.