I had a very emotional session with the shrink today. I actually feel like I may be getting somewhere with therapy. I came to the realization today that I have been living my life for what I want to be. I have this fantasy person I've created in my mind and she's beautiful and thin and only receives positive feedback on her appearance. As I was telling Kendra about this person, I realized that my current self got lost in the process. I left my session feeling really afraid of what I might find if I delve into who I really am.
My head is constantly assessing this checklist I've created. Have I drank enough water, exercised enough, eaten just enough calories, and gotten the perfect amount of sleep? I somehow fail the day if the checklist isn't complete. It's a sign of whether or not I've had a good day - if any boxes are left unchecked, the day was a waste. So how do I get to the point where I exercise because it feels good and because it makes me strong and keeps my heart healthy? How can I separate this desperate and anxious feeling from my own intuitive feelings that tell me when I'm taking care of myself for good reasons? That feeling is so unnatural for me - so forced.
So I'm trying to decompress now, trying to absorb the revelation I had today. I'm torn between feeling like a complete head case and feeling like I am on the brink of changing my idea of beautiful. I'm just afraid that this is as far as I will get.
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