Things We Buy, To Cover Up What's Inside

On Friday I went to the doctor because I've had this strange sensation at what seemed to be the part where my throat meets my stomach. It wasn't heartburn or indigestion or anything painful. It was kind of a tight feeling and it affected my appetite my throat. It had started the Tuesday prior with no reprieve all week. My doctor thinks I'm having esophageal spasms. She told me right away that it happens to a lot of people, but when I asked her if it could be from the purging, she said higher instances occur in those who are bulimic.

I have to take a series of three medications several times throughout the day. If this doesn't work in one week, my doctor is going to send me to have an esophageal scope. I may have to have my esophagus dialated. Apparently it's a quick procudure and cures the problem indefinitely.

I feel like a complete asshole. Not only because this mostly happens to people over the age of 60, but because I feel like I'm being an irresponsible citizen. I would consider myself to be in recovery - it's been nearly two months since I've purged and I've really started to be aware of my actions and thoughts as they pertain to myself. But because of what I have inflicted on myself, I may have to have minor surgery. People die of things that they have no control over; cancer, heart attacks, blood diseases, and too many others to name. Here I am with my head over the toilet several times a week because I can't get ahold of myself. It pisses me off that I've let it go this far.

I don't want to hate on myself too much for this, because I don't want it to lead to self-destruction. However, I don't feel like this is one of those touchy-feely things I should just 'be ok' with. I'm praying that the meds will work and I can just put the rest of the unpleasantness behind me. I'm also praying that it's not something worse than esophageal spasms. I wish I could go back to myself when all of this started and just reason with that little girl who thought she could just take it all on and not bother anybody. I wish I would have told her to speak up.