I just returned from an unexpected visit to the motherland - this time for a funeral. My grandpa passed away at the lived-in age of 90. He lived through The Depression, a couple wars, marriage, kids, several relocations, and more importantly a lot of love. As sad as I was that grandpa is gone, the more relieved I am that he’s not suffering anymore. And he was ready; he told his pastor just days before he died that he was ready to see his wife and Jesus. I can’t help but believe he’s right, and that after such a long and productive and inspiring life, he gets to be reunited with the people he loved and dwell in the most perfect place.
Visits home usually leave me depleted and in a semi-permanent state of self-loathing. Or maybe I should say that I chose those feelings after my visits home. I’m choosing not to feel that way anymore. Being at home gave me a lot of time to reflect and think and just be. I did a lot of writing and went for long walks with myself and it was nice to just be alone without distraction for a few minutes at a time.
I’m starting to see that a conflicted life is a wasted life. I have this friend who is constant conflict; with herself, her friends, her coworkers, her life. And now this friend is in conflict with me. While I definitely don’t want to just rollover and let her project her issues on to me, I am not going to engage in her conflict. I hate that I have wasted so much time being upset over the person I am. More importantly, I’m resolving to be OK with the person I am. There just seems to be so much natural conflict – universal, spiritual, social – and I would rather make the choice to not be conflicted about the things are unnatural. So there.
Lose the costume
The days of dress-up are gone
Time to join in and put a different outfit on
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