And the Clarity to See and Stop This Now...That is What I Have Earned

Call the wah-ambulance. I can.not.stop.crying.

But it’s good. I know it’s good because it means I’m feeling stuff and I’m not just stuffing my emotions inside and pretending I’m “fine” and “ok.” Not that I’m really doing that terrible, but my life situation isn’t ideal right now.

I think I may have lost a good friend this week – or maybe I just lost someone I thought was a good friend. I think I’m starting to figure out that maybe hanging out with someone solely because that person makes me laugh is not enough ground on which to build a friendship. But it doesn’t make it sting any less to find out that I’m expendable. It doesn’t make me want to trust and love and believe with abandon.

Tyler and Caroline have moved further away from me – it takes me about an hour to get to their new house. In a way I’m happy for them because they’ve wanted a house for so long, but I’m sad because it’s not as easy to see them during the week. Thusly adding more tears to the Sorrow River I’m creating.

It’s just that I’m so restless right now. I can’t move without worrying that I am slipping into obsessive behavior. We talked in group this week about the difference between leaps and baby steps. And I know it needs to be baby steps right now, but baby steps don’t get me very far very quickly. I’m not trying to whine, I just wish this would happen for me.

What I’m striving for is a greater connection between my rational self and my eating disorder self. I can sit here at work and know that I am a hard worker, a good leader and a strong contributor to my company. I’m an aunt, a daughter, a sister and a niece, and I know I play an important role in my family. I just wish these things mattered when I put my jeans on this morning. I wish they mattered when I’m surrounded by mirrors during hip-hop aerobics. I wish, I wish, I wish.

Speaking of hip-hop aerobics, I found out that my gym is offering the class again for October! Yay and hooray! So I’m headed back tonight to get my swerve on. Sort of. I also decided that I’m going to buy myself a new athletic-y swimsuit and start swimming one day a week for cardio. I used to swim all the time and I’m actually a pretty strong swimmer. I also like swimming, so I know it’s something I can do and not be bored.

Baby steps, here I come.