Into Marvelous Light I'm Running

Today at church, the pastor talked about the idea of authentic community. Authentic community is a big catch phrase amongst Christian hipsters, but its fundamental meaning is of something to take note.

I've lived in Nashville now for over four years, and I am just getting to the place where I feel like I am establishing something resembling an authentic community. What has become blatantly obvious to me over the past few weeks, is that friendships formed based on a common interest may not always be the most fulfilling for me. I used to try to surround myself with people who I thought were a lot like me. What I find is that I tend to let my personality - my being - take a backseat to make these friendships work. I'm finally starting to see that I'm missing out on a lot of great human interaction and causing myself a lot of hardship in the meantime.

I made friends with a girl named Sarah when I first moved to Nashville. We quickly hit it off because we were both from Michigan and subsequently both experiencing the culture shock of life below the Mason-Dixon line. We remained friends for just over a year, and then as quickly as we bonded, we broke apart. I tried for months to patch things up with Sarah, but it just wasn't going to happen. I finally realized how much I'd been settling in our friendship; I finally realized how much of myself I'd compromised to keep Sarah's ego in tact because I so desperately thought I needed her friendship.

I'm going through a very similar experience now, only with a lot more pain involved. When Sarah and I parted ways, I turned to my eating disorder to cope. Now, I'm actually dealing with the way I feel about a friend who has betrayed me and who has hurt me to the core. Forgiveness is a really tough pill to swallow. Probably worse than forgiveness is forgetfulness. I think in this case I'm trying to forgive both myself and my friend. It hurts deep and true and so real that sometimes I'm mad at God for creating us as such fallible creatures. I hate that I have to feel so disgusted at someone. I hate that I have to feel like such a failure as a person.

All of this is to say that I don't think authentic community stems from people gathering based on a commonality. I have found the unlikeliest of friends from simply opening my mind up to the idea of getting to know someone because they are different than me. If nothing else, I think I'm experiencing a lot of pain right now to learn that friendships can be mutually fulfilling. And that I am loved because of who I am, not because I serve as some sort of puppet for the emotionally malnourished.

'Cause this is a battle
And its your final last call
It was a trial, you made a mistake, we know
But why aren't you sorry, why aren't you sorry, why?
This can be better, you used to be happy, try!