We'll take a cup of kindness yet...

I had to laugh today when I saw an Internet ad starring Derek Jeter. The ad was for a new cologne called Driven:Black. The humorous part? It’s distributed by Avon. I guess I consider Derek Jeter to be a fairly high caliber brand. I wonder how much money Avon paid him to be the face of their new cologne. Hopefully enough to replace the testicles he must have lost to agree to an ad campaign with Avon. Seriously.

My tummy is a rumbling today – partially from a lack of sleep and partially from a purge session I had last night. I think it was mostly triggered by the double combination of phone calls from my mom and my brother. I really need to figure out how to distance myself from the drama happening with my family. It’s a double edged sword because I want there to be peace and I feel like I need to facilitate that peace. The problem is that I’m not a good facilitator. I’m too emotionally involved. I spent last night working on the letter to my mom and much to my surprise, I feel like a huge load has been removed from my shoulders. I’m starting to feel like maybe this is something I can do. That maybe it’s not going to be this huge emotional tidal wave and I can just plug away at working on myself and come out on top. It feels good; it feels refreshing.

Being that it is the last day of 2007, I feel like I should do a little reflecting on the events of this past year. I really think that it’s important to focus on the good parts of life. 2007 wasn’t perfect, but I feel like I’ve come a long way personally.

In 2007 I…

…reconnected with a few close friends who now live in various parts of the country.
…bought myself some new wheels.
…made friends with two women who inspire and motivate me.
…explored four major league baseball fields.
…celebrated my 26th birthday.
…discovered that I don’t have to be ashamed of who I am anymore.
…watched The Bridges of Madison County for the first time.
…made my nephew laugh.
…chopped, cooked, and ate an onion for the first time.
…discovered my new favorite city with my new best friend.
…bought the most comfortable pair of boots I’ve ever owned.
…started reading the Harry Potter series.

All this is to say that when I look back on the past year, I feel like I’m getting started on the right foot for the new year.

Cheers.

Ready to Investigate

I'm home now and I feel like I can breathe. I want to say that I know I'm lucky. I have a family who loves me and cares about my well being and supports me. I have two bitingly hilarious brothers, a very sentimental and caring father, and a nephew who is so completely adorable he makes Dakota Fanning look like a snot-nosed brat. And then there is mom. I love my mom - so completely and so deeply and wholly that as I write this I can't help but tear up. As a child, I spent hours sitting on the edge of her bed as she laboriously french-braided my hair. She spent many a moon making alterations to my dance costumes so I would be the flashiest and most well presented during my recitals. She helped me practice for my choir auditions and competitions. She helped me learn to drive, write English papers, and paint my toenails without getting any polish on my skin. She was there, even when I thought I didn't need her to be.

So now I find myself in a bit of a crisis which is further highlighted during trips to my hometown. I know I'm essentially a part of my mother; everyone I meet tells me how alike we look. Family members inadvertently call me by her name. I'm mistaken for her when I answer the telephone at my parent's house. And the thing that plagues me the most is that most of my behaviors toward food were learned from her. I feel sometimes like she is clawing at me, trying to keep me like her and to keep me from pushing past the issues that keep weighing me down. This last trip was most difficult and I won't pretend that I wasn't hurt by some of the things she said to me. I feel like she's making a deliberate attempt to carve away the self confidence I've busted my ass to achieve. And why? That, I have no answer to. Some of my closest confidants think it's jealousy and I'm not sure I disagree. Our lives have taken very different paths, and a part of me wonders if she is wistful about the freedom with which I live my life. I'm not sure that my mother's life is what she would like it to be.

All of this leaves me feeling, for lack of a better word, lost. I feel like I've hit a plateau in my recovery and that if I don't deal with all of this 'mom stuff,' I'm going to be stuck here indefinitely. I'm not much for New Year's Resolutions, but I think in this case I'm going to make an exception - only this will extend beyond 2008. I am going to confront this part of myself. Maybe it means I have to lay it on the line with my mom, and maybe it means it have to resolve it within myself. For as long as I can remember I've tiptoed around addressing a part of my life that is probably the most definitive. And I think that 20+ years of tiptoeing is enough.

I am unwritten
Can't read my mind, I'm defined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

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This week has kicked my ass. And considering that I'm only a few hours into Thursday, that's saying a lot. Last night I was driving home in the rain and I kept having to maneauver around debris that had blown into the road. I feel like this week has been the same - I've had to navigate through a series of emotional obstacles that have left me worse for the wear.

Christmas is right around the corner, and I had started this season with a sense of excitement that I haven't felt in awhile. I'm trying to keep that excitement alive despite some family conflict, a bump in my recovery, and some other personal changes.

Taking the high road is a difficult step. For some reason, it's become more difficult for me in the past few years. I was telling a friend last night (who is also a native northerner) about these difficulties and I think I've realized that in an attempt to fit in, I've compromised pieces of who I used to be. I'm not going to get into a big discussion about the cultural differences between southern and northern women, but I will say this. We are different in practically every way, our moral code is hardwired on opposite ends of the spectrum. And it's difficult to be told that everything I learned during my formative years is incorrect. Because it's not incorrect, it's just different. Not amount of gossip, or scheming, or backpedaling is going to change that. That said, it's really difficult not to be tainted by underhanded negativity - especially when it's thrust in my face on a daily basis.

I'm a firm believer that when I have trouble articulating what I'm trying to express, that I should let someone else do it for me. So here you go - from everythinglori.com/blog.

When someone reacts to you with the verbal tone equivalent of twisting a daggar in your right eye, then they fucking care a lot. They may hate you, but point is, they care, care enough to hate you. And when shit like this goes down – for me? It’s reeeallly hard to not respond. Really hard. Why? Ready for my answer to Why? Because it’s not fair. Isn’t that stupid? When I shared the details to this exchange to others, 3 people responded identically – "Why do you care? What does it matter? That’s such a waste of time and energy. Why are we even talking about it?" Well, it’s this whole being a bigger person thingy. It’s just…sooo hard. When you’ve been kind to someone and they’re mean to you? Don’t you have the right to fight back? But what I’m slowly realizing is that no person who wants to be mean to you is worth ever speaking to, much less responding. Why don’t these lessons come to me AT the time rather than after the fact?

But who you associate with is who you are, and I think that certain people can bring you down and others can make you better. I’ve recently come to associate with a person who has a level of kindness, generosity, and patience that I find to be both refreshing and inspiring. It both highlights to me where my flaws still radiate and what I need to work on to become more like that. When you meet good people who are not just good deep down, who are not just intending to be kind but who are practicing kindness on a daily basis, well, it definitely teaches you that there is always room for growth. Sure, I’m embarrassed right now that I’ve so often and too recently traveled on the low road, and somepeople find their way up there earlier, so good for them. When you meet people who are about 48 times more mature than you, you bust your ass to mature as quickly as possible – all while hoping that person sorta thought you were that mature all along. :) Point is, it’s never too late to climb on up and join the good folks up on the high road, and I’m surely on my way. I aspire to finally become the Bigger Person. Call it my preemptive New Years Resolution. Less negativity, no more seeking out what does not matter to me, no more looking back. Enough of my time has been spent on the childish exchanges with those not worth my attention. I’m turning 29 in 3 months. It’s about time I grew up, don’t you think?

All of this is to say that I think I used to choose friends out of necessity. And not that I don't need friends now - I still need people in my life. I think I'm realizing now that I deserve to have friends who love, respect and care for me unequivocally. I compromised in the past because there was some amount of buried shame that told me I didn't think I deserved it. The difficult part now, is learning how to move on without feeling like I need to get even. But I know that in the end I'll be more than even.

It’s like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You’re makin’ the most of your losin’ streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin’ everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I’d like to find your inner child and kick it’s little ass

My Departures Were Old

Is it an insult to my generation that I do not like pop/rock versions of holiday music? There is something about curling up on my couch in a pair of big, fuzzy socks, hot chocolate and a skein of yarn and listening to my friends Nat, Johnny, and Frank. I could not imagine the same scene playing out to the vocal interpretations of Christina Aguilera. Although, the fuzzy socks might be a bit much right now given that it is in the 70s outside. So maybe I am curling up with a glass of iced tea and flip-flops.

Dr. Gray wants me to write a letter to my mom for our next session. I really do not want to write a letter to my mom. I don’t think I realized I had as much anger as I do until our last session. Mom stuff is tricky. There’s all of this guilt and sadness and anger juxtaposed next to love, apathy, and pity. I am really not sure how to start this letter, henceforth, I’ve been putting it off all week. It has not been the best couple days. I think the anxiety of actually addressing these issues is sending me into a tailspin. And I think my behavior is reactive to this anxiety. Which leaves me feeling uncertain and kind of nauseated – no pun intended. I’m going to write the letter, I’m going to write the letter.

I bought a new book and some new music tonight in an attempt to cheer myself up. I know this too shall pass, but I’m nervous that I might be stuck in a rut right now.

At that particular time...

No Golden Calculators Need Apply

I've spent the last few hours in an attempt to complete my holiday shopping with my friend Caroline. Shopping is the truest test of a friendship for me. I'm not the stereotypical female shopper. I only go to the mall if I need something specific. I have a very methodical and efficient way of trying on and purchasing clothing. I have no real weaknesses with the exception of housewares. That said, I knew tonight might be a test of my patience.

Caroline and I did yoga before our shop-fest. We centered, we breathed, we stretched. We set out with a calm purpose. And then we went to Toys R' Us. It's been a long time since I've set foot in a toy store. I'm not one of those people that's nostalgic for the days of my youth, when my parents would take me to the toy store and let me pick out that one special thing. Nonetheless, I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into.

The store was a complete mess. Discarded Barbies and Matchbox cars were strewn through the aisles. Board games were stacked haphazardly on shelves which held either no toys, or too many toys to support. The bicycle section was mayhem. All around me were the sounds of 'test me' buttons being pushed. And the children. Oh god, the children. I told Caroline I'd meet her at the check-out counter and made my way over to the book section. To my surprise, the book section was like a zen garden. No children, no noise, no debris. Just me, a rack of neatly stacked literature, and another browser. I was kind of annoyed that this was the only quiet and neat and subsequently untouched section of the store. I wondered if books were really that antiquated and un-trendy. I think out of sheer principle I bought more books than I have gifts to give. I fought my way back through the sea of exasperated parents and marched myself and my books out of that store.

The shopping center that houses the Toys R' Us also houses a Lifeway Christian Bookstore. I think the name of the store needs to be of some emphasis in this story. As I was pulling out of my parking spot, I witnessed quite possibly the most disturbing scene. A woman in a minivan peeled out of her Christian bookstore parking spot. She then sped towards the exit, but not before sideswiping a loose shopping cart. She hit the cart so hard that it flew into the air and landed on another car. Maybe landed is the wrong word. It sort of bounced against the hood of the car, and then smashed the windshield before toppling onto the concrete. Caroline and I sat frozen, dumbfounded. What further confounded us was the fact that the minivan driver stopped, looked around, and then drove off. Drove off! Caroline and I played good citizen and made note of her license plate information. It turned out the car she obliterated belonged to some teenager who works at the store. O' Holy Night indeed.

The rest of the shopping expedition went well. Caroline and I mesh quite nicely as a shopping duo. We came, we saw, we conquered. We treated ourselves to holiday libations afterwards. We vowed to do all our shopping online next year.

Who's House?

If I could choose any celebrity to hang out with, I would choose Rev. Run and his family. I know I'd be excited to meet the Rev, but the idea of chilling with his family gets me just as pumped. Me and Justine could bust a move, I could play video games with Diggy and Russy. Angela and Vanessa could do my makeup. Seriously. Let's make this happen.

I talked to my mom tonight, and she was telling me about all the crafty projects she has going on for the holiday season. I didn't inherit one crafty little gene from my mother. This woman can make a holiday spread out of a toothpick and a maraschino cherry. I can knit lumpy scarves and pre-heat the oven. Would I consider myself creative? Sure. But crafty? Only by the Beastie Boys' definition.

On a heavier note, I had group today. I was going to give the rundown of today's events, but it's too emotionally exhausting. So I'll say this. If you read this, and you pray, or meditate, or even send up smoke signals, please keep my friend Sherri in your thoughts. She is a kind soul with practically no support system and she's having a really hard time right now.

For blaming myself for your unhappiness
And for my impatience when I was perfect where I was
Ignoring all the signs that I was not ready,
And expecting myself to be where you wanted me to be

To whom do I owe the first apology?
No one's been crueler than I've been to me.