Christmas is right around the corner, and I had started this season with a sense of excitement that I haven't felt in awhile. I'm trying to keep that excitement alive despite some family conflict, a bump in my recovery, and some other personal changes.
Taking the high road is a difficult step. For some reason, it's become more difficult for me in the past few years. I was telling a friend last night (who is also a native northerner) about these difficulties and I think I've realized that in an attempt to fit in, I've compromised pieces of who I used to be. I'm not going to get into a big discussion about the cultural differences between southern and northern women, but I will say this. We are different in practically every way, our moral code is hardwired on opposite ends of the spectrum. And it's difficult to be told that everything I learned during my formative years is incorrect. Because it's not incorrect, it's just different. Not amount of gossip, or scheming, or backpedaling is going to change that. That said, it's really difficult not to be tainted by underhanded negativity - especially when it's thrust in my face on a daily basis.
I'm a firm believer that when I have trouble articulating what I'm trying to express, that I should let someone else do it for me. So here you go - from everythinglori.com/blog.
When someone reacts to you with the verbal tone equivalent of twisting a daggar in your right eye, then they fucking care a lot. They may hate you, but point is, they care, care enough to hate you. And when shit like this goes down – for me? It’s reeeallly hard to not respond. Really hard. Why? Ready for my answer to Why? Because it’s not fair. Isn’t that stupid? When I shared the details to this exchange to others, 3 people responded identically – "Why do you care? What does it matter? That’s such a waste of time and energy. Why are we even talking about it?" Well, it’s this whole being a bigger person thingy. It’s just…sooo hard. When you’ve been kind to someone and they’re mean to you? Don’t you have the right to fight back? But what I’m slowly realizing is that no person who wants to be mean to you is worth ever speaking to, much less responding. Why don’t these lessons come to me AT the time rather than after the fact?
But who you associate with is who you are, and I think that certain people can bring you down and others can make you better. I’ve recently come to associate with a person who has a level of kindness, generosity, and patience that I find to be both refreshing and inspiring. It both highlights to me where my flaws still radiate and what I need to work on to become more like that. When you meet good people who are not just good deep down, who are not just intending to be kind but who are practicing kindness on a daily basis, well, it definitely teaches you that there is always room for growth. Sure, I’m embarrassed right now that I’ve so often and too recently traveled on the low road, and somepeople find their way up there earlier, so good for them. When you meet people who are about 48 times more mature than you, you bust your ass to mature as quickly as possible – all while hoping that person sorta thought you were that mature all along. :) Point is, it’s never too late to climb on up and join the good folks up on the high road, and I’m surely on my way. I aspire to finally become the Bigger Person. Call it my preemptive New Years Resolution. Less negativity, no more seeking out what does not matter to me, no more looking back. Enough of my time has been spent on the childish exchanges with those not worth my attention. I’m turning 29 in 3 months. It’s about time I grew up, don’t you think?
All of this is to say that I think I used to choose friends out of necessity. And not that I don't need friends now - I still need people in my life. I think I'm realizing now that I deserve to have friends who love, respect and care for me unequivocally. I compromised in the past because there was some amount of buried shame that told me I didn't think I deserved it. The difficult part now, is learning how to move on without feeling like I need to get even. But I know that in the end I'll be more than even.
It’s like going to confession every time I hear you speak
You’re makin’ the most of your losin’ streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak
You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin’ everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I’d like to find your inner child and kick it’s little ass
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