Imagine all the People, Living for Today

It's been a really surreal week and I'm ending it just feeling tired and kind of out of it. I had the flu for half the week, and the other half I just felt out of sorts. Things between Andres and me are less-than-ideal and I can't get an answer out of him that points in any direction. Every conversation I try to have with him either ends with his making jokes or just acting like he's ready to sleep. Everytime I build up the courage to call him and say that I just need to move on, he does something mildly charming and I regain hope that something might come out of this. We are a disaster. I can't even say that I'm bent out of shape about it being my fault anymore. Now it just feels sloppy and out of control and for some reason I'm afraid or just too lazy to pull in the reigns. I used to think it was because I loved him, but now I'm not so sure. I mean, I know there is love in my heart for him, but I'm not sure if it's the kind of love that can save us from this wreckage. I was thinking today about what he meant to me and how I used to feel for him, and I'm starting to think that maybe my feelings have changed. Or maybe I'm just so exhausted with waiting for my life to begin that I can't keep doing whatever it is we're doing.

I heard a quote this week, and I don't remember it was in a book I read, or in a movie I watched. It had something to do with not being able to move ahead to the future when your arms are full of the past. Hello. This is your life. How long have I done that very thing? How long have I clung to what used to be that I didn't realize what was right now? It all sounds very profound and literary, but I'm not trying to be trite. I just want my heart to catch up to my brain and get this show called My Life on the road. That's all.