I've been in a foul mood most of the day and I can't quite put my finger on why the hell I'm feeling so down. I would like to chalk it up to PMS, but that's a problem because usually I call girls out when they try to play such a bullshit card.
The problem is that I'm feeling really bad about myself, physically. I've taken the purge option off the table completely. As in, it doesn't even register as an option for me right now. To say this leaves me feeling vulnerable would have to be the grossest understatement in, well, forever. Yes, I know I'm being dramatic right now, and a lot of this is just me sounding things out in my head, but I'm feeling really scared right now.
How do I fight back to those who automatically fail me as a person without reason? More importantly, how do I suppress the urge to prove my worthiness to those who are determined to make me out to be a bad person? See, at some point my life has to be about me, not about me shaping myself into someone based on what others around me project. My friend Kate and I met at the mall tonight to do some shopping and catching up. We stopped in at a little salon inside the mall to get our eyebrows waxed and asked if the aesthetician had time for both of us. The receptionist gave us the once-over and mumbled that 'Erica was busy' as she motioned toward the back of the salon. Kate, the ever acerbic said, 'who is Erica.' I nearly imploded trying to hold my laughter in. Kate was really upset when we left; she talked the whole way home about how belittled she felt by that receptionist. I see Kate and I can't imagine her ever feeling insecure; she's tall, thin, has dark hair and an olive complexion. But to hear how her whole trip was sullied because of one ten-second encounter made me feel almost devastated.
How is it that we build an armour of protection to ward off evil spirits in the form of nasty girls, snippy mothers, ambivalent crushes, and passive-aggressive coworkers? How do we avoid being deduced to gossip and tears and general malaise when we're faced with opposition from someone who clearly gets their kicks from being a bad person? I would love to think that we can just chalk it all up to a self-esteem issue and make ourselves believe that we're really better off not being reguarded in the likes of these people. But we all know that's not true right? Because if we could just shrug off gossiping and naysayers and bullies, the world would be like one neverending episode of Full House.
I think that maybe I'm grieving a little right now. I'm grieving a relationship with my mother that has changed, probably forever. I'm grieving a friendship that I'm risking in an attempt to explore other possibilities. I'm grieving a lost friend who continues to sink deeper into quicksand. I'm mourning my lost ability to truly just pick myself, dust myself off and...well, you know the rest.
Head under water, and you tell me
to breathe easy for awhile
Breathing gets harder
Even I know that
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1 comment:
heres to getting back on the monster truck of friendship. sometimes you just need to be told that you're loved. so, you are loved my friend.
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