Kiss My Ass Just Sounds Bitter

I thought that this morning I would wake up with some clarity and relief from the uncertainty of the past few weeks. No such luck. I do however, think I'm starting to figure out why I'm feeling out of sorts on such a macro level.

I've really been working to process my feelings as they relate to my recovery from an eating disorder. And lately, I've been feeling really vulnerable. I don't know how long it's been since I've had an episode, but I know it's been awhile. I'm trying not to count the days, because it seems that when I start to do that, it brings the purge option back to the table, and I'm really trying to avoid even the consideration of old habits. That said, the past week or so I've been feeling really sad. Not that scary, depressed kind of sad, but a sad like I lost a friend. I know this may sound completely masochistic, but in a way I'm mourning my eating disorder. I'm starting to realize that even if tomorrow morning I dropped right back into every old habit I had four years ago, it wouldn't do the same thing for me that it did four years ago. It's like returning to your hometown after you've grown up and discovering that although nothing has really changed, everything is completely different from how you remembered it. It's a very raw, nerve exposed feeling. And to be completely honest, I hate feeling this way.

There is a part of my insides screaming for me to cover up, to not leave myself open to heartbreak and loneliness and disappointment. I'm terrified of what might happen if I actually let myself lean into my emotions. I'm afraid that I am not strong enough to cope with those emotions and I'll just turn into this shell of a human being. But then, I feel a tug from some place closer to my heart and I just know that I am strong enough to keep going. And that the closest my self has been to a shell was during the years I was drowning in an eating disorder.

So, as much as I want to just relax and maybe lay in bed for the rest of my life, I know that's not an option right now. And I know that would be the worst disservice to myself. Regardless of how many outside influences make me feel less than worthy, I'm refusing to believe I'm anything besides amazing.

These back steps are steeper to the ground
The brightest stars are falling down
I'm walking the edge, walking the tightest rope
We can be frank, reality rips on through, rolling like a hurricane
I'm over the bridge and under the rain