Maybe Blink 182 Had It All Wrong

I'm starting to worry that I'm too old. Ok, not too old, that's the wrong term. I'm starting to feel ill prepared true adulthood. And by true adulthood, I mean life as a 30-something. Next month, I will celebrate the arrival of my 27th year of life. I'm not angsty about getting older, in fact I'm welcoming my 30s with open arms. Oh, to be done with all of this personal and professional undulation. To be poised, and revered, and socially at ease. Well, maybe being 30 won't mean a change in personality. And given some of the encounters I've had with 30-something women lately, I may just decide to hit pause on 29. I guess I'm just circling back around to the question of 'what next?'.

I'm not one of those girls who has always wanted to get married. I never played 'here comes the bride' or thought about flower schemes and bridesmaid dresses. Even when I was engaged for a brief period of time, I didn't so much as cast a sideways glance at bridal magazines. I have no fucking sense of what it would be like to have a husband, let alone children and family pets. I'm not against marriage; I've seen it do both really wonderful and really terrible things for people. I am moderately terrified of the idea of having someone in my living space for the rest of my life, but I also love the idea of coming home to my best friend every day for the rest of my life. I guess I just feel a little like an alien because marriage isn't something that I've definitely penciled into my five year plan. What if I'm supposed to be all ethereal and romantic and brush up on my ironing and vacuuming skills? What if I'm supposed to want more than just hand holding on the couch during my favorite TV show? What if I'm selling my self short?

But I think it's more than that, and I like that part of myself. I get excited about the fact that I've beaten my last score in Brick Break. I like only having to buy groceries for myself. I like knowing that I can pack up at any given time and leave - whether it be for a day or a year - and not have to get permission from anyone but myself. My discomfort in being older doesn't have to do as much with what I expect of myself, but more of what I think everyone else is expecting of me. There is something so magnetic about having an unknown future. Sure, it's scary. But it also takes the possibility door off its hinges.

I remember reading a short story somewhere that basically said that there is nothing we should be doing. That as long as we treat people kindly and take care of our own well being, we're following the right path. I don't really know if it gets much better than that. So whenever I get nervous that my career isn't advancing as quickly as it should be, or that my boyfriend at the time may not be the person I should be with, I try to remind myself that I am exactly where I should be. And this will be the case whether I'm 26, 36, or 46.

I certainly haven't been shopping for any new shoes, and
I certainly haven't been spreading myself around
I only travel by foot and by foot it's a slow climb
But I'm good at being uncomfortable so
I can't stop changing all the time

If there was a better way to go than it would find me
I can't help it the road just rolled out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine.