Your Two-Ton Death Trap

It’s been a no bueno kind of week, and I am so tired I just want to hibernate for a month.

Monday morning I sat down at my desk and opened my email. I had a message from a former coworker and former friend who left my company last week. Our friendship ended a few months ago, basically because I had a romantic relationship with one of our mutual friends. I hardly expected to receive an email from her, and didn’t bother to make any grand gestures to bid her farewell. Her email started out very kind; she gave me kudos for the work I have done in my current position, and she mentioned how excited she had been to see me grow professionally. Then came the punch to the ovaries. The last part of her email said how sorry she was that we had “lost” our friendship, and that it had never been her intent to lose me as a friend when we had talked about needing our separate identities at work. And she’s right, we did discuss the need to separate ourselves professionally. But that’s not why our friendship ended. It ended because she chose to be petty and immature about a situation that was really none of her business to begin with. When I tried to reconcile things with her a few months ago, she only pretended that everything was ok and spread rumors about me to our coworkers. Her email was just another slap in the face and further dismissal and denial on her part. I thought that I had gotten to a place where her actions could not hurt me any further, and it turns out that I was wrong.

I have been chewing on her words all week, both literally and figuratively. I cannot quite figure out why I am so affected by this behavior. I never imagined that as an adult, I would have to deal with girlfriend drama over a guy. It seems like something that a person should grow out of, like shoes and coats. I’ve been really torn between trying to patch up our friendship or just let things end on kind of a sour note. A friend and I discussed the situation over drinks last night, and he helped me put things into focus. He said that what she had done was wrong and dismissive of my feelings, and that I am under no obligation to try to make things right…again. Hearing this from an unbiased third party made me feel exponentially better. And the end of this paragraph marks me moving on.

I went today for my new, fancy sleep mask fitting, which marked today’s linear plunge into existential angst. I am feeling like the worst form of human being, especially when I saw that my health insurance is paying more than $3000.00 for the entire CPAP machine and mask.

So, I’ve decided that I refuse to stew anymore. And I refuse keep wallowing in the muck of another person’s lame behavior. I have really been toying with the idea of a complete fitness overhaul, but my concern is that I will fall back into the obsessive, panicky behaviors. But I suppose at some point I have to stop running scared and just start making changes. If it’s not perfect, than it’s not perfect. But I have to do it. Starting now.

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.