I’ve been pretty pleased with my progress since I started working with Dr. Gray about a year ago. I’ve really busted down a lot of the walls I had built, and I’ve confronted a lot of the issues that have built up for so many years. I still feel like there’s been something holding me back from a full recovery, and I think I finally gave it a name during my last session: shame.
I am starting to see places in my life where I am apologizing for myself. I’m not talking about anything as blatant as an actual apology, I’m talking about something dangerously subtle. Something that kind of simmers under the surface and is hot enough to impact my actions, thoughts, feelings, and self-confidence. See, shame isn’t something that’s necessarily that easy to pick out and name. I think a lot of reason I feel shame is because I think I’m bad or out of control or lazy or stupid when it comes to eating healthfully. Part of it stems from all of the feedback I get when I lose weight. Things like, “oh, you are such a good girl!” or, “you must have such strong willpower!” The reason I was losing weight was because I was starving myself, or throwing up everything I ate or exercising three hours a day. It wasn’t because I was good, strong, controlled, or motivated. It was because the coping mechanism I had developed so long ago wasn't helping me cope anymore.
I think I have been looking for someone or something to blame for a long time, and typically I turned to myself to assign blame. It was my fault that I wasn’t thin enough, and subsequently I didn’t deserve the same treatment that should be granted to every human being. I let myself become invisible, or I told myself I couldn’t be a part of anything good. Having shame is probably one of the worst emotions of which to break free. It’s not like anger, sadness, or happiness; there is nothing to expel to express or purge shame. Dictionary.com defines shame as the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another. And I really can't think of a better way to describe how I've felt the last couple months.
I am starting to see places in my life where I am apologizing for myself. I’m not talking about anything as blatant as an actual apology, I’m talking about something dangerously subtle. Something that kind of simmers under the surface and is hot enough to impact my actions, thoughts, feelings, and self-confidence. See, shame isn’t something that’s necessarily that easy to pick out and name. I think a lot of reason I feel shame is because I think I’m bad or out of control or lazy or stupid when it comes to eating healthfully. Part of it stems from all of the feedback I get when I lose weight. Things like, “oh, you are such a good girl!” or, “you must have such strong willpower!” The reason I was losing weight was because I was starving myself, or throwing up everything I ate or exercising three hours a day. It wasn’t because I was good, strong, controlled, or motivated. It was because the coping mechanism I had developed so long ago wasn't helping me cope anymore.
I think I have been looking for someone or something to blame for a long time, and typically I turned to myself to assign blame. It was my fault that I wasn’t thin enough, and subsequently I didn’t deserve the same treatment that should be granted to every human being. I let myself become invisible, or I told myself I couldn’t be a part of anything good. Having shame is probably one of the worst emotions of which to break free. It’s not like anger, sadness, or happiness; there is nothing to expel to express or purge shame. Dictionary.com defines shame as the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another. And I really can't think of a better way to describe how I've felt the last couple months.
Even as I write this, there is a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I lack the control, and motivation, and clean soul to get past my eating disorder. Even as I am telling myself that I deserve love, affection, and trusting relationships, there is an even louder voice saying that I should feel lucky that there is anyone who wants to spend time with me. I think I may have just hit the hardest and most highest bump in the road. But, my real voice is getting louder and stronger and I know - wholeheartedly - that the real voice is going to win in the end. So there.
what's with that halo hovering
above that thick skull
spare me
if i do say so - i think you're covering
'course there was nothing
could've prepared me
for the side effect of this dirty drug
the way you punish me and then you shrug
what's with that phone call, baby
it's like you're trying
just to crush me
do you feel stronger each time you push me, dear
did you tell your mom you carpet bombed
right before you left here
are you at home now with your kitty cat
are you just at home now with the way that you act
do you split the rent there with all your secrets
or do you just pretend to all your friends
they're uninvited guests
yes and when you want it tidy tell me
can you still dispel me
sweep me neatly under the rug
does your conscience ever mention
the way that you treat me
or do you just fend it off with a ...
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