But You're Neither Friend nor Foe

You know those days or weeks or months when you feel like everyone and everything is beating you up, and testing your tenacity? I feel like I'm having on of those weeks, only it seems like every situation is magnified by about 1000.

I've been crying a lot lately...like, a lot lot. Crying all the time can become a bit cumbersome because it makes things like working, and driving, and watching tv a little difficult. Maybe I can talk to my boss about having my computer moved into the bathroom so I can just sit in there and sniffle all day. Ok, I'm being a bit silly right now, but I have been feeling a little fragile this past week. There is a lot of potential change on the horizon for me. First, my parents are thinking about moving to Tennessee. While there is a part of me that would be really happy to have them closer, there is an even larger part of me that's wigging out. I feel like I'm just starting to assert my indepence as a separate entity of my mother. I'm afraid that her moving her might affect some of the progress I've made.

My landlord emailed me last week about a one-bedroom apartment he has available in the building next door to my current place. As of yesterday, I was pretty much dead set on moving into the new place. I had the revelation today that I don't think I'm ready to live alone. As much as I would like to come home to an empty house sometimes, I would much rather come home to a supportive and caring person like my roommate. Plus, I'm really trying to focus on avoiding isolating rituals, and I'm worried that living on my own might aid me in slipping into some of my old habits. So even though I have to wait for the bathroom and not play music after 10PM, I think I'll be happier in the long run.

Work is making me cranky and I think I need a vacation. I'm struggling with wanting to advance my career, but still keep work at work. I love my job, and that's something I've never really felt before last year. I feel like I actually have a career now, and when I go home on a Friday afternoon, I feel like I've made a difference. What's uncertain to me, is how to parlay that into a successful management opportunity. I'm scared that I won't be able to manage people well. I'm scared that I'll be too much of a friend, or too much of a boss, or just too much of everything. Maybe I'm just wishing I could skip the learning curve and be good at everything immediately.

Even though I'm facing some uncertainty, I feel like I'm equipped to face it. And it finally feels so good to be able to express emotion instead of bottling it up and letting it out in other ways.

Set me free, leave me be
I don't want to fall another moment
Into your gravity
Here I am, and I stand so tall
Just the way I'm supposed to be
But you're on to me, and all over me