I spent part of today emailing back and forth with two of my oldest and closest girlfriends from my hometown. We were catching up on the changes happening in our lives and marveling in the fact that we've all stumbled into an adulthood complete with careers, families, and mortgages. I don't feel very grown up, in fact most of the time I just feel like I'm pretending. It's like I'm waiting for someone to pull down the curtain, take away my checkbook and send me on my way via Care Bears bicycle.
Last night, I ended up having a conversation with an old friend of mine from college. He and I have kept up through the years and we've always walked a fine line between being just friends and being more-than-friends. Something has always held me back from jumping in head first with him. Part of it has to do with my ugly track record for long-distance relationships. And the other part is, well...something I can't quite finger. On paper, this guy is the gold standard, but personally I just never felt like I could really relax around him. Last week our relationship took a turn and I realized that we had to address the pink elephant in the room.
It's really difficult to make the decision to purposefully extract a possibility from my life. I think sometimes I dream so much that it makes reality seem like the real dream. It dawned on me today that maybe this is the true test of adulthood. Being able to make a decision because it's going to benefit the other party in the long run. Being selfish is so easy. I don't know one woman who wouldn't love to have an endless supply of romance potentials filed under the Just In Case category. Life is scary. For some people, being alone is the scariest thought imaginable. But maybe being a grown-up is deciding that loneliness or lovelessness isn't going to be the end. Some of my self-nurturing moments occurred when I felt lonely or unloved. I think that hanging to something because it's available is the truest form of self-denial. And for me when I love and care about myself I don't feel lonely or unloved.
Speaking of hanging on to something because it's available...I realized today that it's been over a month since my last episode. And it feels like Christmas to know that I didn't even count the days to get here. So I'm not dwelling - just taking it one moment at a time.
Love has made us blind
Tied us a bad break that binds
It's not what you think
I just feel I'm losing time
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